I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish with this blog. I know I suck at writing. Just terrible. I tend to loose my trail of thought before I can even finish a sentence. This is going to feels like I’m all over the place, English is my second language so I’m sorry, but hopefully, Somewhere in this mess of a writing you will find something useful lol.
I knew I wanted to post something on here to be more active with blogging. To practice it I guess. Or to serve my own purpose maybe? some subconscious selfish glorification. Sometimes I asking myself whether I do something because I truly love people like Jesus did, or do I do them or say things because I think that’s what the version of what I think a “christian” should be like. As if to seek confirmation that I am actually walking with Jesus. Any of of you feel that way? I always find myself praying that God would give me a renewed heart, the same heart that breaks Jesus’s heart. I want to know that my walk is authentic.
So I prayed about it on the way here at a Starbucks in Roseville, Ca. I prayed that it is God who would put His thoughts, His word, His will in my heart. To move my fingers on what to put on here. So here we are, hopeful that my prayer is currently being answered. These are my confessions… ft Usher.. Jk.. You get the reference.
I don’t know why I still doubt that God wouldn’t come through. Maybe because all my life uncontrolled changes have happened. As a child, I had a broken family, causing me to move a lot in my own home country, from one side of the family to the other. At 11 years old, moving from one country to another, moving from one sub culture after another, meeting new people, saying goodbye to a lot. None of it was in my control. And maybe that puts me in a weird place. We spend so much of our lives trying so hard to control our own life, because it’s comfortable to know that we know the end result.
It’s fear. It is because of fear that I was lead to do things that I thought would bring me peace. After hearing and accepting Jesus as my Lord, salvation came!! And sanctification began.
Now I ask how real is this faith to me? If I truly believe that Jesus was the Son of God sent for us to die on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins, and in 3 days rose again and one day will return in His full glory, what does this mean for my life? Is there anything else that matters? If God sees everything, why do I feel like I need to cover up my sins and shortcomings from mere humans? If you haven’t read the book of Ecclesiastes, please do, it puts our lives into perspective. We are here temporarily, every breath that we have, every beat of our heart is out of our control and is only allowed because God the father in heaven says “i’ll allow it” I mean really though, tomorrow or even a minute from now is not guaranteed. Yet we fear, we plan, we take for granted so much and are so selfish in our pursuit. And man am I so guilty of this.
Pride is the center of all sin. The Enemy was filled with pride that he wanted to exalt himself greater than his creator. And If I’m confessing and being honest, I find myself in so much hypocrisy with my walk with God, and for a long time I felt so discouraged, and to even go as far as He doesn’t want me, this mess that I am.
It is my pride that I sometimes still seek approval from others. Self-righteous/seeking glory for myself. But He says..
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.” 1Peter 5:6
Always wanting to control the outcome as if to say “God I don’t trust what you have planned for me” But He says…
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” – Romans 5:13
Sometime afraid proclaiming the name of Jesus.
“And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him, “Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times.” 62 And he went out and wept bitterly.” -Luke 22:61-62 (This broke my heart when I was writing this down)
I am also so arrogant thinking that, “look at me!! I’m an international kid. I know many languages, I have a greater understanding/world view because I’ve lived/experienced multiple cultures. I was in the army, I’m an MMA fighter,”and many other things that I used to lift myself up, that made me feel good about myself.” Even being proud that I grew up in a third world country and have experienced hardships, thinking that I’m better than those who are in first world nations. Man How wicked am I? My self-righteousness goes so deep. As if all these events in my life weren’t orchestrated by the creator Himself, for His glory and His glory alone. Through Christ Jesus, I consider all these gifts as lost, If It’s not used for love and to save souls.
But through all of this He says He loves me!! filthy, broken, wicked, afraid, self-seeking, self-righteous me. How beautiful is our Father who didn’t even spare His only son so that we can have a relationship with Him!!! HE said i’m saved, then saved I am!!! by His grace and His grace alone!! I am His child, that’s my identity. His work in me and in us is not done yet. He makes all things new!! When we accepted Jesus and received the Holy Spirit that gave us the ability to understand the sacrifice that Jesus has made on that cross, we were born again. As children, forgetting the old way of thinking, the way this world thinks, but now our minds are set for the glory of His name and for the work of the kingdom. Being taught by our Heavenly father, through the Holy Spirit, because of the blood of Jesus.
This I confess in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, forever and ever Amen!!
