How long have you known Joey? 1 year? 5 years? Maybe you have known Joey her whole life. No matter how long you have known her you know that she’s been through some stuff. Stuff that she has let define her for her whole life. Here are some things that others have described Joey Filo as for the past 18 years.
- not wanted
- loud
- reckless
- depressed
- weird
- hyper
- annoying
- mean
- slutty
- aggressive
- b!tchy
- troubled
…you get the point.
Hi, i’m JoAnna Nicole Filo. I’ve been using my whole name lately because JoAnna has the most beautiful meaning and sounds pretty sophisticated. Yes, I was adopted into the best family anyone could ask for and grew up very fortunate. But, I was always the “loud kid” the kid that moms feared their child being friends with because then they would have to let me sleep at their house and God only knows that that would be the worst thing in the world. My parents raised me pretty good for a “troubled” kid. They disciplined me and taught me right from wrong (doesn’t mean I ever followed the rules). When I was in the 3rd grade I was taken to a therapist to see if I had any of the letters. They diagnosed me with ADHD/ADD. Later on in middle school I was diagnosed with OCD, depression, and anxiety. Throughout my teenage years, I let these letters define me. I used these things as an excuse to act out or shut down.
Middle school/ jr. high were really hard for me. I would have best friends one minute and the next they would turn around and stab me in the back, making up lies, saying I was sleeping around or talking about people when I wasn’t. People started Instagram pages titled “Hoey Dilo” or would set their profile bios as “Hoey should just kill herself”. They would post terrible things, and take pictures of me at school and post them. Whatever it was that they said, I would always let it get to me. In the moment I would act tough and brush it off or reply with some brilliant comment, but the minute I got home that night, it would all replay in my mind. I got to a point in my little 7th grade life where I started to believe these things. I had thoughts like, “maybe I am a slut” (which was a strange thought considering I didn’t have a boyfriend till 10th grade and wore jeans and t shirts), or “what if the world would be better if I just died”. I started getting into fights and ended up switching schools 4 times before finally finding a school that would take me, because I was so “troubled”.
Now, how does this have anything to do with my relationship with the Lord? Until recently I didn’t realize that God was with me through all of those times.
Every time I put another scar on my arm God was there.
Every time I got locked in a locker, God was there.
Every time someone called me a slut, ugly, troubled, God was there.
Abba has always been there watching over me. (I will talk more about that in upcoming blog). He has always loved me. It has taken 6 years for me to realize that everything bad that happened to me, happened so that I could be here, on the World Race.
But, with all of that said, like a normal functioning human being, I still struggle with self acceptance, identity, and loving myself. This past month has been very hard for me. We are in Malaysia this month and we have when we aren’t teaching english or doing prayer walks we have a ton off free time. I have had more time in the past month to think about who I want to be in the eyes of the Lord and the eyes of others than I have in my entire 18 years of life.
The list of words that have been used to describe me in the past have been bouncing around my mind. I think to myself, “these things have always been spoken over me so they must be true” and the lie of, “it’s who I am…why would I change.”
I’ll tell you why i’m changing!!! One of the biggest eye openers for me was about a week ago when some of my teammates were joking around and saying, “Joey could beat up anyone on this team no problem”…I’ll admit, I thought it was funny, it was what I had always strived to be, the “toughest” one in the room/group. But was that God’s plan for me when he created me? Because I really don’t see it going like this:
God: “Joey- a dash of good looks, a pinch of whiteness, and a whole lot of be the toughest person in the room and scare everyone”.
Everything that my teachers and peers were speaking over me I was speaking over myself without even realizing it. I had become this version of Joey that God hadn’t intended; that I wasn’t proud of. Every time I looked in the mirror I would see the bad, never the good. And society made it so easy. Another example is that I posted a picture on my Instagram the other day and someone I haven’t talked to in years commented, “From wanting to punch me in the bathroom to Malaysia you’ve grown a lot I am so proud of you.” Seems innocent to the naked eye, but when you put on Joey goggles it sounds something like this, “you may have changed a lot but the first thing I think of when I see you is that you used to be aggressive.”
I want to know the Lord, I want to be a spitting image of his daughter, I want to have the “Christian glow” my mom is always talking about. I do devos every morning, listen to worship music throughout my day, and talk to the Father every chance I get. I just don’t feel full. Then, tonight during worship I broke down. Everything that has happened in my life came to the surface. The Lord asked me to give everything to him, lay it all down at his feet. Which I thought I had done, but soon realized that there was so much built up anger towards myself and others that He was literally asking for it ALL. Then, he told me i needed to fast for 14 days. Why? Because I need to empty myself completely before I can be overflowing with the fathers love and knowledge. Again, I thought I already was…but I still had that teeny tiny bit of self doubt and hatred towards others from my past, that tiny bit of doubt. I need to be completely empty and reliant on him for everything before I can be filled back up. I think of this like a livestock water tank. it may be completely full, look crystal clear and only be a few days old, but its not fresh. The animals that you are giving the water to want fresh water. They don’t want 2 day old water that’s been sitting in the sun. Like the Father, you take care of them and make sure they have the very best. Even if the tank takes an hour to empty and an hour to fill, in the end the livestock will be so much happier and you will feel better for treating them the best you can.
I am not the same Joey you all knew me as even 3 months ago when I left for the World Race. The first list was what I was…this list is what the Lord is showing me that…
I AM…
- KIND
- BEAUTIFUL
- HEARD
- LOVED
- LOVING
- CARING
- HARD WORKING
- SPONTANEOUS
- FORGIVEN
- BRAVE
- FEARLESS
- ADOPTED
- PURE
- BADA$$
- SWEET
- GLOWING
- POWERFUL
- STRONG
- INDEPENDENT
I could go on forever, because that is how much I have already realized just thinking about how much the Lord cherishes me lately. Imagine my list AFTER my fast! Self love is the most important thing. Especially as a missionary. How am I going to love others and spread the love of the Lord if I don’t love myself. The old Joey is dead. The new Joey (JoAnna) isn’t any of those nasty things spoken over her life by others, but all of the beautiful things spoken over her by Abba.
I am JoAnna Nicole Filo. I am new.
Please pray for me as I go into this 14 day fast and if you have any prayer requests you can contact me any time!
Also, I am still $3,200 away from my fundraising goal! I have about a month to raise it! If you feel called to donate you can click on the donate box at the top of the page or you can venmo me @Joey-Filo
***DONATING TO ME IS A TAX WRITE OFF AND THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER***
Thank you and God bless!
JoAnna Nicole Filo
