The hardest thing for me as a Christian human is moving beyond myself. When I do well, I hear dangerous whispers telling me that I am awesome and am so much closer to God than those around me. When I fail, I hear dangerous whispers telling me that I am a hideous sinner, miles away from where God wants me to be. I am filled with boasting. I am filled with guilt. I am worried about my safety, jealous of what I lack, angry about what my view is disagreed with, hurt when I am disappointed, happy when I get what I want.
And I do not think I am alone. We are flabbergasted by a world that won’t completely devote itself to our well being. Angry at others who do not conform to what makes sense to us. We are slaves to our own emotions, our own perceptions, and our place in this world.
I want to move beyond myself. I want to live a life where injustice matters before me or my loved ones encounter it directly. I want to feel as though battling illness, poverty, and addictions matter even if nobody I know is directly affected by it. I don’t want to take credit for good or feel like I am drowning in bad. I want to feel as though it is possible for the world to make sense even if it doesn’t make sense to me. I want to help others with their best interest at heart, rather than how it makes me feel, how I’ll be perceived, etc. I want to trust that God works through the things I disagree with, despise, or don’t know.
This may be a sudden change in tone, but my dad is a list-maker. It is like a To-Do list that asexually reproduces like bunnies. He literally has a note card that says, “make sandwich,” on his desk. That is all it says! I am tempted to write, “Eat sandwich” on the other side of the card. But my dad’s awkward habits have inspired an idea. To help me move beyond me:
Everyday, I am going to make a list of people to pray for. I am going to literally write it down in the morning and carry the list with me so that all day I have the names in my pocket as a reminder. Whenever I have a moment during a drive somewhere, in between tasks, etc. I want to pray for these specific people and their lives. I can think of a zillion ways to try to organize this, but I want to pick four names each day from each of the following categories:
1) Teenager – these youth are where my heart is and what God has called me to. I’ll pick one teenager that He lays on my heart each morning.
2) Friend – a family member or friend
3) Foe – an “enemy.” Someone I am quarreling with, have ill-feelings towards, or know has ill-feelings towards me.
4) A Stranger – a friend of a friend, someone I pass during the day before, a random name I find on google or in the phone book. Because God is living, and is needed, in the lives of people I will never meet. And that matters.
I have struggled with prayer recently and I think it is because of what I mentioned above – my prayers are so me-centered. I hide them behind the context of what-God-is-doing-in-my-life, but it is all about me and the world I know and love. But if God is love, everyone matters. And if I want to truly be in His Will, I need to move further beyond who I am and what I know to explore the fullness of the Kingdom of God
