I want to share this journey with you. So many of you have helped make this experience possible for me. Some of you are searching for insight into what this experience is really like. A few of you care deeply for me and are hanging on every update and every story. All of you deserve the truth. The realness of me and how I feel and what I am experiencing.
Sometimes I write these blogs and worry about what I want to say. Afraid of rejection. Concerned Ill be judged for my theology, my writing style, or the vulnerability of my imperfection. I worry that if I dont have it all together, nicely wrapped, well presented, then it will fall short. But you, I, and Jesus are all short-changed if I am anything other than me, honest and genuine, imperfect and raw. Because I want to share this adventure, this mission, with you. I need to. I am afraid that if I lack eloquence or understanding I will disappoint that need. But if I am not daringly real then I am cheating that need anyway.
This has been a tough month. It has been a struggle to get on the same page with our contacts. We have had a couple days of no set ministry at all. Time moves slow. Vision is hard to come by. Purpose is difficult to discover and define this month. And I dont feel well today. I feel the weight of wanting to make the most of my last week in Mozambique, but not sure how to carry that out. I have some ideas of how I would like to spend my days here and am fighting for the courage to fight for those ideas. I am on a new team and desperately want to get to know my new teammates more (one of the best things about the lack of ministry this month has been the daily deep conversations we stumble in to). This month, more than any other on the race so far, feels mundane. I am praying not to just get through each day, but to yearn for the Kingdom and to joyfully appreciate the wonderful uniqueness of Mozambique.
Simplicity isnt always so simple. Starting our own fires and cooking for ourselves takes a lot of time and effort. Casual living can stress you out. Silence can be extremely profound. I find myself this both enjoying and being challenged by the simplicity of our conditions and arbitrary things like schedules. I am a handful of verses away from memorizing Ephesians (which is something I started in March); there are at least two Bible studies within our team that I am participating in; and our team is just one more cancelled appointment away from solving all the problems of the world. Life is happening here. Not nearly how any of us would draw it up; but nonetheless, there it sits, day in and day out, asking us to appreciate it for what it is worth.
This isnt a blog of extraordinary story or mind altering revelation. This is just a few unrefined words about how I have been feeling lately. Honestly, the race is full of ordinary days. Days where you wonder if youre doing enough, longing to do more, discovering more questions than answers. But the days are all beautiful. God waits among the monotony and the uncertainty.
I apologize for trying to perform. I repent of the lie that I must have something extraordinary to say (and say it in an extraordinary way) in order to be worthy of sharing. I want to be better about blogging from a place of genuine, unimpressive inclusiveness. Because having you see this journey alongside me, for exactly what it is, means a lot to me.
