I have given sixteen months of my life (between my original race and squad leading) to the world race. In forty-eight hours, it comes to an end.
It is hard to know how to feel or what to think in this space. I can feel the wave of necessary mourning, the kind that comes from the loss of something special and good. It feels refreshing, in a strange way. A sorrow mingled with joy.
Mostly, I am thankful. A lot has changed over those sixteen months. I came into the race single and am leaving it married, practicing the human model of Christ’s love for the church in the most intimate of forms. I have realized my kingdom dream of being a published author and, more importantly, write consistently and with more content and freedom. I’ve gone from struggling to memorize verses to truly writing Scripture on the tablet of my heart. I’ve learned that sometimes loving means saying the hard thing.
None of this was discovered. Only Christ has been found. In every corner of the world. In every heart and eye. In every moment of time. In every dream and every heartbreak. The Lord has overwhelmed me. And the Kingdom of Heaven seeps from my pores as a result.
I have laughed and cried on the race. In fact, I have laughed so hard I cried and cried so hard I laughed. I’ve looked in the mirror at the ugliest parts of me, looked to the Heavens for the highest Glory of God, and gone back to the mirror with that new perspective gleaming in my eyes. I’ve seen struggle, embarrassment, and sin as well as victory, contentment, and complete adoration of the Father. I’ve found the deep joy of serving within the diverse cells of the Body of Christ, and experienced the incredible blessing of being served by them. I’ve discovered Jesus in the world and in myself.
My heart has moved from me-centered discipleship to others-centered discipleship to a discipleship based on the desire to worship the Lord solely and trusting that ‘all these things will be added.’
I came on the race to share the light of Christ. The race taught me how to BE the light of Christ. In this season, I have been a racer, a student, a teacher, a hearer, a doer, a sinner, and a friend. My imperfections have surfaced and His power has been manifest perfect in my weakness.
The race introduced me to groomsmen, sisters I never wanted (but really, always wanted), life-long friends, a life-partner, and a myriad of fellow-believers of many a tribe, tongue, and nation.
I’m not sure how to say goodbye to the race, or even if I should. I’m not sure when the next day will come that I won’t think about something within these sixteen months. Declared truth, Prayer’s spoken and listened, feedback given and received; love all around.
One thing I know for sure, I am not the same. One cannot encounter God and remain unchanged. I have been discipled and have made disciples. I have fought my way into my truest identity and have served outward, tethered to that deep identity, in a desperate attempt to walk beside others as they make a similar journey.
I have lived in these sixteen months. Truly lived. Truly loved. Truly allowed myself to be loved. Truly imperfect. Truly unafraid.
Mostly, I have seen Jesus. I have seen him in my story and in the story of others. Enough stories to overwhelm a library. I’ve seen His beauty and His mystery. I have seen him in His Glorious monotony of every day, in deep hurt and unbridled celebration. I have seen Him beyond what I can see, listened so hard that I hear nothing and everything at the same time, seen so clearly that it blinds me, experienced Divinity that is more than I could have asked for or imagined.
I’ve been an extra in this story, fighting to be content with playing my part, fighting to live my part fully and completely. Always fighting to make famous the Star of the Show. I am eternally thankful to have been invited into the story, to participate in the Kingdom of Heaven to whatever degree the Lord allows.
As the World Race closes, I know we are not crossing a finish line. We are not ending, we are transitioning. It is so strange that we are leaving as the rest of the squad continues on, but it is so poetic. We have passed the World Race baton to a new batch of disciples, just as capable of running the race as we have been. We are leaving them to make disciples of their own, to discover the Lord themselves. We have been catalyst but not Kings, influencers but not indispensable. We remain in unity with all we have encountered these sixteen months because we all go, in humble obedience, to the place God’s sweet voice is calling us.
Thank you for following my journey, for living it with me. Thank you for being Jesus. Thank you for seeing the Jesus in me. Thank you to the Body of Christ for trying to be what we ought to be and for the Maker of Heaven and earth for being worthy of it all…
