Taking Off the Make-Up.

Wake up in the morning.

Get dressed in our Sunday best.

Walk into those familiar doors. 

Sit down in the usual chair or pew. 

Greet people with the same “How are you?” “Good!” “How are you?” “Good!” conversation.

Stand for worship. 

Raise hands during the upbeat parts of the chorus. 

Listen to sermon. 

Go home. 

 

That sounds pretty familiar for most of us, right? Of course. But I left off one step that I’ve done throughout my life. 

 

 

No… It’s not what you’re thinking. I don’t go to church or around my daily life with an actual mask on… that would be pretty scary, right? Well, sometimes the masks we create can get even scarier. 

 

You may be wondering, “What on Earth is this dude talking about?”

 

Well… what I’m telling you is that I haven’t always been 100% real. I haven’t truly ever been vulnerable with the people in my life, and sometimes, I feel like a total fraud. I’ve put on almost a front that that screams “I have everything together!” I’ve kept a lot of the stuff that was going on in my life locked up behind bars inside of me. I’ve posted statuses about God and the funny pictures from the highlights of my life. I’ve taken religious senior pictures…exhibit A (the profile picture). I’ve been the kid that makes good grades and is in the top of his class. But what if I told you that I have really struggled behind the scenes of my life? Would you believe it?

 

Well, my friends… You need to because it’s the truth. 

 

Behind the carefully painted mask that’s been on my face, there’s a guy who’s struggled with pornography… A guy who’s battled homosexual feelings… A guy who’s lost hope before… A guy that feels totally alone sometimes… A guy that sometimes hurts… A guy that was scared of letting others see the real him, brokenness and all… A guy who sometimes feels too bad to be a missionary…

 

But most of all… there’s a guy that God loves like crazy.

Let’s just start all over.

 

 

I’m Joey Lane, and I’m a senior at a small high school tucked away between the Atlantic Ocean and the swamp of rural Georgia. This county is the place that I’ve called home for 18 years:  a town with some railroad tracks, a post office, a Friendly Express, sweet tea, heavy southern drawls, and a whole lot of dirt roads. The truth is though, that I’ve felt kind of out of place here. As a member of a large family that breathes and lives for those fall months of chasing deer from dawn until dusk, I was different. I was the kid who liked photography and I guess I could safely say that my 3 sisters were more like traditional guys than I was. I bonded easier with girls and even to this day, I don’t have any really close friends that are guys. I just have never truly fit in. It looks like it on the outside, but I’ve felt empty inside. I’ve felt alone… Somewhere in my teenage years, I became addicted to pornography which led to homosexual pornography. I feel like I was searching for the acceptance that I longed for to fill the void in my heart that I felt was empty. I tried to quit many times only to fail. I didn’t want to be this way.

 

I was originally saved and baptized at a local church at about 7 years old, but after that, I was a sporadic Christian… I was in church for a couple of months, and out within the next. I don’t think that Jesus ever actually became truly “real” to me until this year. I was on my way to get my oil changed about 20 minutes away from home when I had that gut feeling of “Did I leave the iron on?” So I turned around in a church parking lot and headed back home to see if my nagging gut was right. Thinking about it now… that was a bit prophetic maybe? That turn around in that church parking lot was the turning point that began the process of where I am today. Craziness.

 

Anyway, I think 2 people called me and invited me to a youth revival on the way home, so I went and ended up rededicating my life to Christ. I found a new church, my struggles with pornography went away for the most part, and I stumbled across my passion for missions in a Sunday School presentation about digging wells in Africa. My heart was captured. It’s hard to explain and even remember clearly. I searched out mission trips and was set to go on one to Mexico over the Summer. But… I got the call that would draw me back away from God. I got a job offer at a nearby water park that I just had to take. I basically exchanged my relationship with God in for a mere $7.25 an hour. I worked on Sundays for about 2 months before I finally went back to church, and I ultimately fell back into my old habits and addictions. When I did return to church, I realized that I had messed up and quit my job a couple of weeks later. 

 

In this time, God really began changing my desires from going to college after graduation to pursuing a longer term mission trip. I found AIM and the Immersion trip just stuck with me. But… the struggles with pornography and homosexual feelings continued. It’s a terrible cycle of temptation, giving in, sinning, asking forgiveness, and feeling unloved and hopeless that just repeats. I just couldn’t seem to get free no matter how hard I tried. That same desire and passion for missions remained in my heart though. I had a dream of going with Christ to the nations, but the enemy pummeled my head with “you’re too bad to be used by God.”

 

I wrestled with culture and despite that red flag, uneasy feeling, I applied to college and was accepted. It just wasn’t right though. Deep down, my heart longed to leave all of my possessions that I once held dear and go to the nations to tell of this love that was like none other. Needless to say, after much frustration and pity parties with God, I ripped up my acceptance letter and decided to apply with Adventures in Missions. I got to the “challenges” section of the application and there it was. I was going to have to tell them my struggles. I just knew that I wouldn’t get accepted. I interviewed, and basically my prayer was that if it was God’s will, then just let me get accepted, or if not, then just let me get me denied. Well… I got the answer, and it was neither. 

 

 

I was told that I was accepted to go IF I was willing to go to counseling. I was kind of crushed. 

 

 

Out of pride, those were generally my thoughts. I told the lady that I would think about it and call her back, but I think that I honestly had pretty much made up my mind that I did not need counseling and that I would find something else to do… but my heart was in this trip and with this organization. I was totally miserable the most of the day and the next day. My mind filled with hopelessness and the enemy even went as far as trying to place suicidal thoughts in my brain. Sitting in bed the next night, a depressed mess, I felt that the answer was suddenly clear. God had allowed this brokenness in my life to weigh on me to show me that I NEEDED to take that step into counseling. BOOM. Most of that depression just lifted right then with that simple revelation. After agreeing, I couldn’t find a counselor in my area, but God opened up a door to the person that I’m talking to now. So yeah… I’m basically in counseling (and I like it).

 

Over the past few weeks, I feel like I’ve learned a lot and gotten deeper into my relationship with God. Other times though, I’ve felt like completely running from Him. It hasn’t been an easy path, but God has shown me his faithfulness in times when I felt like just walking away from everything. He’s captured my heart, and I truly love Him and am HONORED to be given this opportunity. I want nothing more than to live out of a backpack and spread His love throughout the nations. The beautiful thing is that He saw me in my filth, and He’s walked with me this whole entire journey. Like in Psalm 40, He’s taken my hand and is pulling me out of the mud and mire that I got myself into to set my feet on a rock. God’s transforming that once porn addicted, broken guy that thought he was gay, and is calling him to be a missionary that spreads HIS unending hope and never-failing love to the broken. That’s grace. 

 

I’m not saying I’m totally there yet by any means, and it’s only by the grace of God that I’m even typing this today. There are days when I still question this whole mission trip, even though I pretty much know that it is what God is calling me to. 

 

 

 

 

 

The thing is…that’s not God’s voice. That’s the enemy, and he’s kept me down for far too long. As cliche as it may sound, God truly doesn’t call the qualified. He qualifies the called. He loves us even in our mess, and wants to give us a greater life than we could ever even imagine. And no… I’m not worthy to go on this trip in and of myself, but in Christ I am. 

 

So, there you have it, folks…that’s how I got here in a nutshell. The make-up that I’ve covered up my life with for so long is currently running down my life and is washed away by the blood of Christ. The mask that I so carefully crafted is being shattered, and the light is shining through the cracks.

 

My name is Joey Lane, and while I don’t have it all together…

 

 

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