You go into any public store, restaurant, movie theater, or almost any venue and what do you see above the door? There’s always an exit sign in case there’s a fire. Well, I’ve had one of those signs hanging over my life.
Let me explain.
These past few weeks have been hard… I can even probably go on to say that these past few weeks have honestly been some of the hardest weeks of my life. All of the brokenness that has been hiding under the surface seems to be rising within me. The coping mechanisms that I’ve used to numb that brokenness are exiting the temple. The hurt and heaviness has been real…sometimes like a 5 ton Mack truck has parked on my chest. The bitterness towards people that were happy was hiding in the shadows. Sometimes it has seemed like a root canal to even read the Bible. I’ve pity partied it up.
The truth is…when I first felt called to the mission field, things were so different. I truly felt a hurt for the people who were without Christ and lived in such poverty stricken conditions. I wanted to just jump on the next available plane, sell everything I had, and just move to the nations. It really didn’t matter where…just somewhere that I could help. Where has that passion gone? All I seem to feel anymore is my own hurts and like taking the next available plane away from God.
The truth is…pornography was my drug. It hooked me, and it opened up the gate to homosexual feelings. It put ideas in my head that I was wanted… It gave me an image that if I was held in another guy’s arms, I would be fulfilled and loved. You see, it put a glaze over the loneliness and unfulfillment that I felt in my life. Those feelings stayed in me all along, but porn was like the pain pill that made the pain go away, even if it was only temporary. I may have gotten a senior superlative and it may look like everything’s all hunky-dory on the outside, but inside, I feel all alone. I literally go to school, come home, eat, sleep, and repeat. If I go out, it’s to church, by myself, or with my family. The walls that I’ve constructed around my heart won’t let anyone get too close to me, but inside, my heart longs for relationships that are not shallow… the ones where you actually pour out your heart to one another, go on crazy adventures, and laugh at really stupid inside jokes. My heart longs to have someone to come and save it from its enclosure.
At counseling this past week, I signed my purity over to God. I made a commitment with Him on paper that I would remain pure no matter what. The pain killer prescription that I used for so long can no longer be filled. What’s a guy to do? So here I am almost passionless about the life that I’m almost for certain that God has called me to, receiving evil off-the-wall accusations from the enemy, brokenness and hurt rising to the surface, and virtually no friends. It’s really easy to lose heart. I have. You know that exit sign that I mentioned earlier? It has never looked so appealing.
“If I just walk away from this call that God has placed on my life, go to college, and run into the arms of another guy and live how I wanted, wouldn’t life be so much easier?”
The short answer is yes… yes it would be. At least, that’s how it seems in theory. But you see, the thing is, deep down, I can’t walk out of the emergency exit door. My hands are on the handle sometimes, but the love that I once felt so deep from my Father keeps me from walking over the threshold. For some reason, I just can’t walk out on Him.
If I did walk out of the emergency exit, what would that life look like? It’s got to be better than this, right? Well tonight, one story showed me the answer. I think it’d look a lot like the prodigal son in Luke 15. A man has 2 sons and although he is loved, safe, and provided for right where he is at, one of the sons decides that he wants to collect his inheritance and seek a better life. He goes out and lives it up for a while! “This is the life!” he must have thought… that is, until his funds ran dry. To make it even worse, a famine hit the land where he was at. In desperation, he got a job feeding pigs. He was literally so hungry that he envied the pigs for their food…but he didn’t even get that.
Here’s a guy that had a home with everything that he would ever need and a Father that loved Him like crazy, and here he is in the mud with the pigs, starving. The life that he thought would surely leave him fulfilled left Him totally empty and all alone in a foreign place.
That’s a snapshot of how life would look if I were to take the emergency exit. Things would seem great at first. I mean, no rules, no more loneliness, no more dealing with these hurts anymore. Sounds great, right? That’s not the end of the story though. After a while, the initial fun will run out, and I’d be left off all alone, in the mud, and worse off than I ever started out. I’d realize that this is not my home, and that I walked away from a truly fulfilling life and a Father who’s crazy about me. I have a room in my Father’s house, so why would I choose to live with the pigs? You see, I have all that I could ever need right here at home in my Father’s care. The need for love is met here too because I have a Father that holds me in the palm of his hand every second. There is fullness in His plans and in His presence. Everything He has is freely ours…what more could a guy ask for?
The story ends with the son returning home, and even in all of his filthiness, the compassion filled father runs to his son, meets Him right where he was at, throws his arms around him, kisses him, gives him new clothes, and throws a feast for Him. That’s beautiful, and a mirror image of our Heavenly Father.
God made the universe, so can He not handle my brokenness? Whether I feel like it or not, He can and will. He is the answer, and the fulfillment that my heart is looking for.
Back away from the emergency exit. It’s going to be okay. We are held by a loving, caring, and merciful hand that will never let go. No matter the storms that rage around us, or the punches we throw at Him, He will not be moved.
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