The World Race is over. The journey is not over. I hope to keep writing about what the Lord is teaching me moving forward, so I still hope to use this blog, albeit probably less frequently.
Before we left the race we were warned about the natures of transition. I guess being warned about something is very different from experiencing it. American culture itself is overwhelming, and within a week I had filled my schedule with meetings and job interviews and miscellaneous things I felt like I needed to do. In addition to transition, I came home to a family handling my Grandpa’s fight against cancer. He was diagnosed 3 months ago, and he passed away this previous weekend. It was an answered prayer to simply be able to see him, and I give give thanks to God for it. (I mention this whole situation briefly only because of it’s pertinence to the subject of the blog. The family has been doing really well with it, but prayer, specifically for Grandma, my mom, and the rest of the family, are of course appreciated). It was a lot to handle, but not too much. I knew when I came home that I was gonna have to fight.
I knew that, but it has still become gradually harder to fight for the things I would fight so naturally for on the race. On the race I would fight for my lifestyle and my relationship with the Lord. At home I keep forgetting to fight. The appeal of the foods I’ve missed or people I need to see keeps taking my eyes off the Lord, and I keep letting it happen because it’s a “different season” and I’m not numbing or indulging or idolizing if I haven’t had access to these luxuries for the past nine months… right?
What I’m trying to say is this: I needed to remind myself that I have to fight. But it’s not just that. I knew exactly what I was coming home to. Then why is it all of a sudden harder to continue to walk out the lifestyle I’ve been walking for nine months? The easy answer is to point to differences in America’s culture: “so many distractions” , “busier schedule” , “different priorities” etc. I would be foolish if I said that these differences are not influencing me, but I’m a firm believer that the Lord gives us the ability to influence our circumstances far more that they influence us. (For my world race alumni I believe this is a classic example of the victim circle vs. freedom circle). So if it wasn’t the circumstances, then what has me struggling to fight my fight?
I think what I have actually been more forgetful of is not that I have to fight, but that I want to fight. The difference is between obligation and motivation. Yes, I am required to wade into this battle called life, but even more so it is my desire to. It is my desire to struggle for community and be nervous for the future and mourn with my family and engage in other’s brokenness. I was not unwillingly drafted into the war between the light and the dark, and I am not fighting with fear of loss. Everyday I get to look the side of life and the side of apathy both square in the face and I get to choose to fight for life. I get to choose the side of freedom and joy and vulnerability and compassion and forgiveness and redemption. Not only do I get the choice, but the act of choosing life makes my soul somersault with joy. The past nine months I got to taste and see that the Lord is so, so good, and I am zealous for the opportunity to partner with that source of goodness.
In John 21, when Peter talks to Jesus for the first time since the resurrection and since denying Him, Jesus does not first inform Peter what is required of him. Jesus first asks, “do you love me?” He does that 3 times after Peter denied Him 3 times, and Jesus’ instructions always come after Peter’s confessions of love for the Lord. Jesus asks about his heart before he gets around to obligation. The conversation ends with a simple instruction from Jesus, “Follow me.”
The past 2 weeks were not the easiest, and I had to deal with a whole lot over this time. I think in the midst of it all I lost sight of my “why” behind everything. When you forget your “why” it becomes so easy to lose sight of the path and wander away from where you ought to be. We then get too caught up in what we believe we “should” be doing that we forget we want to. I know I struggle to extend myself grace without shame, so I want to put it in writing that I’m ok. There’s been a couple of challenges since being home, but we can make our way back to the path without losing any ground. I have in no way gone backwards. Once you realize you’re off course the easy thing to do is point fingers at all the distractions or other reasons you were led astray. But I bet the people who tremble with excitement when thinking of their destination will be the first ones to find their way back to the path.
