This was a tough morning.
The night before, an old man from the slums met me and my team as we were coming out of a restaurant and started bowing down and thanking us for noticing him out in public. In that moment and after, I felt so unworthy to be doing the work I was. Who am I to get praise like that? I thought to pray for him in that moment, to buy him a set of sandals since he didn’t have any, to do something to show him that I love him. I didn’t do any of the things I felt led to do. I wish I had.
Through that night, I had dreams of home so vivid and felt such a longing to go back home that I would wake up every half hour or every hour just wanting nothing more than to go home and give up. I know I have it really good here in Cambodia, but the thoughts of simple comforts, friends, and mostly family just made my desire to leave come in like a flood.
To combat the homesickness and worthless feeling, I checked my email to try and appease my state of sadness. Instead, I got the grim news of the death of a friend, Callie Albert. I couldn’t believe that her time on Earth had ended. I asked questions like, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” and “Why couldn’t she just have the chance to live out a great future?”.
After each thing, I teared up. I don’t cry but maybe once every two years, and now I had been close to doing it three times. My mind was clouded with the weight of what was on me. I did not want to do ministry this day.
Since today was another of many holidays, standard ministry was put on hold. Today, we had an “Ask The Lord” (ATL) day. We pray in the morning for God to lead us where He wants us, we ask to show us what we should expect, and we come together to write down what we got so we know what to look for through the day. For me, I got this image of me getting shot protecting a woman and getting carried by my team to the hospital. My teammate Noah had the vision of a panicked woman from some event, he was carrying someone in urgency, and he was at a hospital.
Thankfully, this didn’t happen. In the moment, however, I was overwhelmed. I’m not a guy to cry in private, and I started to break down in public. The reality of it all felt way too real. I didn’t think I was going to make it back to the house if I went out in the world. I felt like my time would numbered down to the hours, perhaps minutes.
So stay inside, right? Just avoid the shooting. I didn’t stay inside, and here is why. If this image was a warning from God, then I needed to go do what I was being called for. Jesus was in Gethsemane being tempted with fear about the fate He was about face, but He did what needed to be done. If this image was from the devil, then it was a lie, and I had nothing to fear. Either way, I wasn’t to back down. So I got on my bike, shaking, and went out.
I realized later after praying to God about why I had my vision that I had told my mom in an email that I was ready to go to heaven. I remembered how Satan had told God that he could show that Job wasn’t the faithful man that God said he was, so God allowed Satan to try to break Job. I was being bold in my statement that I was ready for heaven, so Satan tried to make me believe that my time had come and that I wasn’t ready for heaven, just like he did with Job. I am so thankful that God gave me the strength to push on. My emotions, my logic, and the world presented to me said to back down, but I threw my trust on God and went after what I knew was right.
I am often told that I am a confident guy in who I am and what I believe. To have been tested of it, I realize that I am not confident in myself. Instead, my confidence is like in Jeremiah:
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord , whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”
Jeremiah 17:7?-?8 NIV
Also in scripture, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20 NIV. The devil meant to do me harm, but instead I am more rooted in God. On our walk through the day, my team met a Christian man who is the only one in his house who believes. Now, we plan to have a Bible study with him every Tuesday and Thursday. So glad to be there for him these next two weeks!
My point to this massive morning breakdown? God has got you and will hold you up. There is nothing anyone can do to hold God up, or even themselves. Satan wants you to fall, and will continually attack you. Satan has to be more crafty and diligent the more you rely on God because you become a bigger threat to his work when you cling more tightly to what God has for you. Have you got hardship in your life? Great! Show God you trust Him.
