Guess who was awake at 3 a.m. with something God was pressing on her heart?
This is the post I never thought I would write. Not because I have shame or fear about it. Well, I may actually have a bit of fear about discussing this publicly. The main reason is because for the past few years I have had a difficult time putting words to how I am living and what I believe. Let me insert a few more words here to drag on, stall, put it off for a few more moments.
So are we going here Lord?
Looks like we are.
Singleness.
I am single. Like, super single. Like, have-never-been-in-a-serious-relationship single. Haven’t-been-on-a-date-in-a-minute single. What is my purpose in sharing this with you? What does this have to do with the World Race?
I have had a desire to be married forever. Many of my peers in high school and college had a number of non-committal relationships, and dated around with nothing serious in mind. At that time, “I” had a high priority to be married. I would have told you I wanted to be married with children by age 20. I have always been very marriage-minded. While being marriage-minded is not a bad thing, trying to rush through and disregard this season of singleness is. I was often so focused and had my heart so wrapped around that desire, that it became an idol. I had a picture in my mind that was setting my future husband up as a god in my life, and a heart bent in worship to the role of motherhood. Despite that, singleness was my story.
I thought I could work to earn it. If I act like a “good Christian girl”, I can earn a good man, have lots of adorable children, and a good, easy life. I deserve it, right?
No. I did not and do not “deserve” anything good. I cannot “work” to earn a good relationship. I had an exterior that looked clean with behavior that looked righteous, but was actually self-righteous, and I had a heart posture that was flawed.
Disappointed, and facing the realization of the pedestal I placed marriage on, I tried to run down a different wrong path. I put up tall walls to guard my heart, denying real vulnerability and honesty, but then flirting with superficial relationships and what would satisfy my flesh. It is the kindness of God that He has given me a picture of Him with his hand outstretched, gently closing around me, pulling me back to Himself during that season. God had His hand on me, was calling me out of my sinful mindset, and was drawing me to keep pursuing a life of obedience and sexual purity. Even when I tried to ignore it, let go of it, and throw it away, He did not allow me.
There I was, sitting in singleness, knowing I should be content, but not knowing what that means or how that could possibly be real. Psalm 37:4 says, “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”. I believed this was true. I knew in my heart that it meant I needed to place my sights and whole attention on Him. I was done with living in discontentment, done with having my eyes focused on my circumstances, done with a heart that did not trust God. And so I quit a life of double-mindedness, became intentional in my relationship with Christ, read scripture daily, prayed earnestly, replaced old anthems with worship music, and filled up on the Word of God. He was bread and water during that season. I was desperate for more of Him. I wanted all of Him, because He loved me, and died to save me, reconciling me to Him, even when I was a hopeless sinner who was an enemy of God. Through that precious time with the Lord, I knew He was changing the desires of my heart. He was revealing secrets to me, planting seeds and dreams in me, giving me eyes to see the things that break His heart, and growing a passion for building His Kingdom.
You see, my struggle to be content in this season of singleness is the very thing that brought me to a place where I want to love the Lord, please Him, and enjoy Him for the rest of my life. In studying His Word, He has spoken to my heart and said, “Obey Me. Do what I say. Believe me, and watch Me work”. He HAS been working, and He has not stopped surprising me. I want to be in awe of Him for the rest of my life. The opportunity to serve Him on the World Race is one mind-blowing example of what He has in store for me.
I want a front row seat to the story God is writing.
I can now say, I am content in my singleness. Do I want to remain single? A loud and clear NOPE. I desire to be married, and believe God will present me a husband, and I will be a wife and mother one day. But even if He doesn’t, I believe and trust His best for me because I want Jesus and a life in Him more than I want a life built in my own power.
