(Yep. Joel Larson is one of those hippie tattooed World Race people now.)
God gave me these words and asked me to get them tattooed on my arm a few days before debrief, because I need to come to him with nothing in my hands—neither my failure nor the things I think I’m succeeding in, my shame nor my pride, the ways I’ve let him down nor ways I proved myself worthy of his love.
He gave me these words because, whether I feel crazy close to God, like I’m following him so well, or so far away in the depths of sin and shame, I’m actually always in the same place of brokenness every day. Because I can never do a thing without his mercy. Because I’m more dependent upon grace the more sanctified I become, not less.
And he asked for it to be my own handwriting because owning my brokenness is always going to be scary and vulnerable, but his love will always cast out my fear.
The only posture I can ever have before the King of Kings is empty, open, outstretched hands. I hold nothing before him, have nothing to give but myself, but am willing to receive whatever he puts before me.
See, here’s what I’m learning. It’s easy for me, and most of us Christians, to talk about being either close to or far from God, depending on how our walk is going, how difficult our lives are at the time, or how well we’re dealing with sin and growing in self-governance. But these words actually reveal an unwillingness to trust in grace and a subtle idolatry.
If we took grace seriously, we would understand that, for someone joined to Jesus, being “far from God” is impossible.
It’s so easy for me to categorize sins and act like God’s love for me falls on the basis of whether I’ve been doing the “big sins” or less significant ones. In seasons of my life when I’ve dealt with addiction to pornography and masturbation, I’ve certainly felt and acted like I was “far from God.” If I deal with a relapse, I might tell a friend I “fell away” from him. But what about right now, when the sin I deal with on daily basis is a tendency toward people-pleasing, toward envy and wishing I were more like others? Does God really look at me in my present brokenness and think I’m less in need of him than when I was dealing with those “big sins”?
Paul certainly had something to say about this way of thinking. He reminds the Church that they used to be “separated from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise…but now in Christ Jesus you who were once far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ” (Ephesians 2:12-13). He says we were once be far, but Jesus’ blood brings us close to God.
Does this mean Paul didn’t think we would still deal with sin after being brought close? Of course not. He just understood that grace is a continual, ongoing reality, and that the grace that holds us fast to Jesus everyday is greater than our own feelings of failure.
Abba is showing me that in reality I can’t be far from him; he is always with me. Even in trying to run from him, I find that he abides in me still. “If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,’ even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you” (Psalm 139: 11-12).
So, Father, empty my hands.
Take away everything that isn’t truly me, and grant me everything that is.
Take my expectations and petitions, that I may truly love you and not use you.
Take my pride in my successes and my shame for my failures, for I know that neither changes your love or my nearness to you.
Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine; dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and Thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.
-Joel
PRAYER UPDATES:
– We made it safely to Ukraine! All-squad month is officially over, and my team is teaching English and working with Salvation Church in Rivne, Ukraine for the next month.
– Many of us (myself included) are feeling somewhat sick after a long travel day and lots of cold weather, so please be praying for quick recoveries!
– Thank the Lord, our contacts at the church here are fantastic. They’ve done a wonderful job already of teaching us about Ukrainian culture and helping us prepare for teaching. Thanks for the prayers!
