Adventures WorldRace SethBarnes Sponsorship Giving

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Before you read this, I want to thank so many of you for the impact that you’ve had in my life.  I know it’s not always been easy, but your choice to be my friend and to be involved in my life has had an incredible impact in drawing me closer to God.  If you are reading this, you’ve been an influential part of that hard yet amazing process!

I think there are many people that I’ve known over the years that consider me to be crazy or a great risk taker. I often wouldn’t think twice about jumping in my truck alone and driving 24 hours straight through ice storms and fog just to be able to ski and satisfy my desperation to be back in the mountains. I’d huddle in the back of my truck at night barely getting a few hours of sleep in the subzero temperatures and love the solitude of flying down a mountain on skis for days meeting only strangers every once and a while. Others have thought I had it all together, that I’m intelligent, outgoing and generally don’t have significant issues in life. When I spent a summer in Yellowstone National Park on a summer missions project with Campus Crusade for Christ, I was the guy that led many of the trips summiting peaks and exploring the back country. A year later during a reunion with some of those same guys, I was still deeply struggling with anorexic eating habits and collapsed while leading them on a backpacking trip and carrying an 80 pound pack stuffed with climbing gear. They’d never imagined me almost helpless, shivering, and barely able to hike or eat any food. Luckily after several years of an intense struggle, God has shown me incredible freedom from anorexia, although it took me a long time to admit that struggle to myself and others and give control over to God. Wow…that was hard! Yet God has unearthed a much larger struggle I thought I’d adequately faced.  I assumed simply asking God for healing was sufficient, yet now has come the tougher part – facing the fear and pain daily with the stakes high once again. But this time, I get to face that fear with Him!   Ian, one of the guys on my World Race Squad wrote this in his blog the other day:

“For years and years, I’ve relied on my skills and proficiencies to establish myself in communities, relationships, ministries, etc. Actually, that’s not quite it. The real point is that I’ve avoided areas in which I’m not skilled. Ultimately, this is to avoid looking incompetent, an event which would inevitably give support to this long-held lie I’ve carried in my head that I’m not good enough, or I’m inadequate.”

My story kinda seems to follow the same lines. I left Michigan Tech to head for Bozeman, Montana almost a year ago as a Senior in Electrical Engineering knowing that pushing through to finish the degree last year wouldn’t have been any good. And although I scored an “A” in one of my toughest engineering courses my last semester there, the college asked me to leave once again because I failed several courses.  I pursued and was continually rejected by a girl I fell in love with at Tech and slipped into the most intense emotional pain I never knew could exist almost the entire semester. I felt like my heart was literally being knifed everyday, and there was nowhere I could run or hide. There were many days I no longer wanted to live, and I have no idea what would have happened had Alex Helmboldt not been there to continually encourage me, pray with me, and absorb my bitter tears.  Amazingly God has finally healed me this summer after I finally began to truly face and admit all that hurt caused by my sin of placing her above God.  I was able to be open, forgive and ask for forgiveness, and so much of that pain has disappeared! 

Heading here to Bozeman last August was no coincidence. I’ve wanted to be back in the Rockies ever since I left Colorado, and years ago God gave me a heart for the people in this area. But what I expected was far different than what God has shown me. Although I re-discovered much of my buried heart when I ran away to Colorado, God has allowed me to discover my creativity and intelligence here in Montana. I almost immediately began flight school and began intensely studying as much molecular biology I could absorb in between exhaustion while finding rides or biking 25 miles back and forth to work at the airport. And although I’ve yet to finish my private pilot certificate because of the cost right now, my flight instructor has countless times told me how fun it’s been to teach me. Several times, he noted I was the best student he had!  Molecular biology has also come easy, and I love seeing God’s beauty and intelligence the deeper I explore. It’s been so encouraging and healing to easily absorb science once again, enjoy learning, and love watching God give me the ability to understand instinctively these two fascinating subjects. When I return to Montana after The World Race, I’m hoping to finish my degree in Molecular Biology at Montana State and very possibly work towards becoming a flight instructor. We’ll see what God has planned…

 
Why do I mention discovering that intelligence and creativity as such a joy? I graduated from high school 3rd in my class and successfully pulled a tough first quarter in engineering at Michigan Tech. But life slid from there. I’d spent the first 8 years or so of my life in Germany, and I felt like everyone in school back in the United States hated me. So I slipped into isolation, never wanting to challenge myself at sports or anything else that required anything of me. So my entire identity eventually became wrapped up in my intelligence. And God took that from me in college. My grades began to slowly decline, and I hated the fact I was no longer the best even though I was surrounded by other people that were also really good at math and science.  I’d been on contract with the Air Force for a scholarship hoping to fly, and my woundedness tore me up even more while I was down at ROTC Field Training.  Feeling utterly defeated, I didn’t show up for classes or ROTC the next school year. I eventually was dismissed from Michigan Tech although my overall GPA miraculously was always OK because I put in some really good grades at the onset of college. And luckily the Air Force simply gave me an Honorable Discharge rather than placing me on active duty. I think God was somehow involved there. But not a single person really ever knew what was going on in my life. I’d share a few minor details here and there, but I figured if they knew what really was going on, I’d really be rejected. The personal pain of failure was enough; I couldn’t handle even more rejection from the few friends I did have, nor could I disappoint my family.  I was lonely, life dragged on, and I lived from one day to the next with very little hope.  I hated myself, and I barely wanted to exist anymore. I look back on those days only remembering incredible darkness.  Yet God used these times of desperation to draw me to Him.  And shortly after running away to Colorado, God began to heal me and show me what life and love really were!
A cold, dark winter night near Michigan Tech; This picture almost perfectly
represents  the image in my mind of many dark, lonely days in college.


This year in Bozeman has been so amazing, though!  I remember having one of many amazing conversations with Alex at Vail during a vacation in Colorado this past winter.  We were stopped at the edge of a run that’d make most people yell profanities if forced to head down. And it was at that moment I admitted and told Alex I was sick of living in fear…and that I was gonna to master dancing the best I could and sing even though I’ve always been afraid of people hearing it. And after about ten minutes of sitting in the bone-chilling wind and snow, we went back to having a blast skiing down some crazy runs all over the Back Bowls in phenominal powder. Soon thereafter, I had some of the best times swing dancing during the next few weeks back in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan while visiting my incredible brothers and sisters in Christ there.  Back here in Bozeman, I’ve loved challenging myself at Ultimate Frisbee, volleyball, and other team sports when I can.  And now I love being around people and taking the risk of developing friendships even though I still get bit and really hurt sometimes. Actually, I can’t handle not being around people. I can handle isolation for about a day. That’s about it. Then I go crazy.  And now I find myself…when no one’s looking, dancing in the joy I have in Christ.
 

So what do I need to face? Leaving in a month with having so few funds in my support account yet is kinda scary. Sure, I’m afraid of failure. Yet I’m learning that I can trust in God and not necessarily in what I can see. I know that many of the situations we’ll face this year will require all of me, and I’m not always going to be comfortable stepping out in faith.  And living life with the same team every day is going to involve incredible exposure; my weaknesses and fears will be thrown out there for everyone to see. And yet I’m tired of living a life defined by fear.  And I’m tired of being expected to and trying to have “it all together” on my own.  Our culture often teaches us that Christianity is a crutch. Perhaps religion is. But I’m discovering in reality that living life without God is trying to live with a crutch. Yet when God exposes me and takes away my pride, and I allow Him to breathe life into me – I get to run with incredible strength and stamina! Contrary to what my culture tells me, I don’t have to be strong on my own. I can be strong because I rest in my creator.  Through Christ, I’m free of the burden of failure and can now allow God’s creativity, intelligence, strength, and love flow through me!  It’ll take effort, courage, and pain at times, but I’m now free to love, dance, ski, climb, run, and enjoy the beauty present everywhere in people and the outdoors.  And I can enjoy, encourage, love and value other people when I realize it’s no longer about me but about our God.

You know that sick feeling of helplessness when you look at your life and you realize how insecure everything really is?  You continue to bury your hurts, fears and mistakes, hoping they’ll never catch up to you.  And in the darkest of nights after everything becomes too quiet, you feel lonely and insecure.  It seems like everyone expects you to be perfect and strong, and yet you wish you could run into the arms of someone loving and really strong to be rescued.  I think we all sooner or later come to a point when against all of our efforts, hedges, or attempts to succeed, we fail.  And in that moment as our fingertips are being pryed from their last desperate attempt to control and stop our inevitable failure, we feel like life has ended.  I think that in that moment if we turn to really trusting in Jesus with our entire lives, true life begins!  We no longer have to fake being strong and perfect by ourselves, and we no longer have to rely upon others for our significance.  We have Jesus…and in Him no matter how hard life may seem at times, we can express His strength and His love!  And for women — His beauty!
 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

– Jesus, Matthew 11:28-30

 
 
I want to especially thank you Dad for listening to me countless hours over the past few months. I’ve seen a side of you I’ve never seen before – and love!  Many guys I’ve talked to rarely have anything good to say of their dads. And yet you’ve been one of the greatest encouragements I’ve had as I step out in faith to follow God the best way I know how. I’ve longed for someone to disciple me for years, and yet I realized while talking to some men in church this past Saturday that you’ve discipled me this summer in a way not a single person in my life ever has! It takes a lot for me to deeply trust others; I’m learning that I can really trust you. Thank you for continuing to support me in spite of my “failures” and for your freeing trust that God will guide and take care of me.  Even though we may often be all over the country or the world, I look forward to continuing to get to know you more and sharing this adventure of life with you, Mom, Anne, Nathan and Emily.
 
Image Credit [The last image in this blog]: 
Author: David Bolius Description: Abseiling from Daniboy (Kalymnos, Greece)
Reference: http://www.photoglobe.info/db_kalymnos/kalymnos_2005_022.html