My attempts to bury and “erase” my past, though, didn’t work. Shortly after I moved back to the United States after living in Germany for my first 7 or 8 years, I was often the most picked on guy in class, sometimes being publicly shamed in front of everyone by my teacher. I was told I had ADD when I was a kid, and I think that dug deep into me once again saying “you’re not good enough.” And although it eventually wasn’t an issue for the military or eventually getting my pilot 1st class medical certificate; although I know that label is far from the truth, far from reality, it still in the toughest of circumstances can eat into my heart. I can score pretty decently at most tests and understand new concepts and tasks fairly well, my flight instructor can say that I learn very quickly and am one of the best students he’s ever had, and people can tell me that I am a very smart guy. But deep inside, I still dig, never convinced or satisfied. I fear I’m really just being fed flattery. And I’m never good enough… And that’s why someone hurt like me, that’s why someone who isn’t confident in who he is can be so dangerous. Because in my attempts to prove my dignity, I’m willing to take everyone down with me whether I realize it’s happening or not. I either idolize people or never see the true value in those around me.
Even today, I still feel threatened by others who just might be more intelligent than I because they have the ability to speak into my life and show me I’m worthless. I can think through concepts and understand things fairly well, yet I meet so many people every week that I often can’t remember people’s names. And I feel like I suck when someone says, “Hey, do you remember me,” and I can’t put a finger on what to call them. Sometimes people can remember details better than I, and other times people have the answer when I don’t. I don’t always perceive situations correctly. Even this summer on my construction crew one of my bosses criticized me once asking why I was slow tying up our skid steer onto a trailer and driving it to another worksite, comparing me to somebody else who he thought could do it faster. And even though he probably wasn’t right, I felt like he was saying, “Yer worthless, what’s the problem with you!” The comment “You should have understood that – it’s common sense digs deep into me, shouting ‘you are worthless!'” Although I wouldn’t dare to speak profanities into the air, I’ve muttered them at myself countless numbers of times hating how I’ve treated or failed others – and myself.
Dan, one of the guys on our squad that I had the privilege to work with last month, though, really encouraged me in many ways. He’s not a guy who seems to allow his fear of failure get in the way of expressing who he is. He’s not a guy who’s been to college, but Dan’s a blast to hang around – I think because he’s safe because of his confidence in who he is. He loves to sing and dance when no one else will. And he encouraged me that who God has created me to be is good. That even though my desire to explore and understand things, climb trees, or run off into the woods seems ridiculous to others, that these parts of me really are good. And that even though I may not be the most nerdy, intelligent guy out there, I’ve got a combination of common sense, intelligence, and wisdom that he rarely sees. I guess that really means a lot to me. Perhaps I may not be the best at everything, but I am the best at who God has created me to be.
I’m now left with a college GPA far less than the perfect I wanted – something like a 2.3 . I’ve got over 30,000 in student loan debt to the government. And yet I’m learning to believe that God isn’t out of control – even in my life. That maybe God’s allowed me to fail for a purpose. I notice now whenever I see God’s glory flowing through me in flying, understanding tough problems, running, or exploring the wilderness, it’s very easy for me to use those things to be destructive to others. Because I still have a deep lack of confidence in who I am, it’s so easy to use what God has given me to destroy others around me in my desperation to convince myself there is worth within me. Yet the problem is, if I’m constantly comparing, I’ll never satisfied. Because I can’t be everybody. And perhaps – perhaps God withholds his full glory from us until we really see that we are the best at who He has created us to be. Perhaps when we stop fretting about not measuring up, He can expose who we really are because through it we no longer bring the death and destruction once resident in us, but rather we bring the life now living with in us to others.
I watched part of Good Will Hunting the other day. And in the movie, Matt Damon plays a “normal” guy living in a rough neighborhood working as a janitor at MIT that’s found to have an incredible aptitude for math. He bewilders some of the most intelligent professors to solve problems with ease. And a large part of me wants to be him, to be special. I think partially because of what God has given me a desire for, but also because of my culture, I’ve assumed that I’ve gotta be that guy, or I have to graduate from MIT to be special – or maybe even to be worth anything for that matter. But even now, I don’t have a degree and a great engineering job like some of the guys that I went to college with. I don’t have a pilot slot in the Air Force. But I DO have a relationship with God I may never have had if God had allowed me to be “successful”. I’ve discovered a taste of His love and His beauty that hints at much, much more. And I hope that through these next few months as all of my self-hate, lack of confidence, and other hurt is brought to the surface and healed, I can confidently bring life and healing to others through the constant relationship I have with my Father.
