I’ve been learning alot about that this summer and realized that even though I’ve been kinda open with my struggles, I’ve still hidden behind the mask of someone whose struggles are mostly behind me…’cause to be honest, life is a constant battle, and I don’t want people to see that – I want them to think “wow he’s got a great testimony – you can see that Christ has really changed him!”
— Tyler Schwartz
Edge of the Grand Canyon – North Rim
I want to know who I am. Yet at times I still choose to allow my fear of failure and fear of openness hide the fullness of who God has created me to be. God right now is bringing me back to the edge of the cliff and wants me to jump … but I’m still hanging onto that edge. I’m breaking; my pride and my comfort in myself are eroding, and the rock underneath my fingertips is crumbling. Like Tyler noted above, I’m afraid of sharing what God is taking me through right now in its fullness. Yet in reality, I have little left to defend. I can’t live life anymore without complete reliance upon my creator; I have no backup plan in myself or anyone else if God fails – I’m now cornered into trusting in Him. He is all I have anymore. Yet amazingly I think without that backup plan my “crutches” are gone; I’m finally beginning to taste incredible freedom living the way we were designed to live – in incredible intimacy, openness and dependence in our creator.
Instrument rated pilots use radio signals to navigate through clouds even though they cannot see the ground below. They trust their maps, air traffic control, and equipment to fly through conditions that would never be possible if they were to rely upon their sight. Here in Bozeman, a mountain range rising over 4600 vertical feet above the airport sits just 10 miles away from the runway. And yet thousands of commercial flights safely avoid this and many other taller ranges nearby in the Gallatin Valley while taking off and landing every year– even when visibility drops to just a half of a mile!
Northwest flight taking off for Minneapolis at the Bozeman airport in October.
I’m beginning to understand that such is often the life we are to live fully trusting Jesus. II Corinthians 5:7 says, “We live by faith, not by sight.” Proverbs 3:5,6 says, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.“
Our American culture teaches us to be independent, that ultimately the results are up to us, and that if we don’t have the strength to succeed or don’t make the perfect decisions then we’re a failure. And yet the more I read scripture, I realize that’s far from what God teaches us! There’s so much freedom in being able give up worrying, give up trying to control our lives when we really can’t! There’s so much freedom in knowing that when we submit our lives fully to Jesus and follow Him the best we can, our creator takes care of us!
And yet I’m struggling as I look to the next few weeks in my own life because I still rely upon myself far more than I rely and really place my burdens my Lord! I don’t know where I’ll be living in less than a week. I’m not sure if I’ll have the opportunity to share my ministry with my church here in Bozeman and my family’s church back in Michigan that had a large impact in my life before and throughout high school. I still have over $10000 to raise in support. And all of my countless efforts this summer to save just $4000 to make bill payments over the next year seemed to have been thwarted! God has been faithful to always provide enough this summer … and yet I can no longer trust in what I see. It’s so hard for me to trust completely in God not knowing where He’s taking me and how I’m getting there. Yet I now realize I’m no longer in control. I must completely put my faith not in potential supporters, not in myself, but completely
I Timothy 6:17 says, “Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.“
I’m realizing that Paul is speaking directly at me here! The past several years I’ve trusted in my ability to always work and make money, and when I haven’t had enough, credit! And my trust in money has definately caused me alot of trouble and failed me. And yet this summer has shown me that my trust must rest on the only true solid foundation – my God!
It’s not that I give up or become lazy. But I give up trying to succeed on my own; I give my passions to God, and I put my burdens on Jesus while working with Him. I give everything that I have to each new challenge; I run as fast as I can without reserve not worrying how far I can make it. Because all that I have comes from my creator – all love and strength come from Him; I can’t make it in my own strength – if I can make it, it’ll happen because of Him! And when I do fail, I fall into Him. We work together as His strength and creativity flows through me; all that is good flows as I’m intimately connected with my God.
