How Do I Embrace Pain?

Trinity: I know why you’re here, Neo. I know what you’ve been doing… why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You’re looking for him. I know because I was once looking for the same thing. And when he found me, he told me I wasn’t really looking for him. I was looking for an answer. It’s the question that drives us, Neo. It’s the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did.

Neo: What is the Matrix?

Trinity: The answer is out there, Neo, and it’s looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to.

Times like this I used to hate nights. Somehow when everything is quiet, when there’s nothing to distract me, my heart comes alive. And that life isn’t always easy. The desires that God gives me are exposed once again, and I discover I’m not satisfied. Doubts of my heart become unearthed.

I remember three years ago around Christmas, this happened at my parents place. And all I felt I could do was deaden the pain. I’d turn on the TV to try to pass the time until I’d finally fall asleep because of exhaustion. Or I’d stay up at night browsing the computer, reading the news or searching for anything that either allowed me to ignore the gnawing of my heart or that maybe could answer it.

The trouble is nothing can answer that desire. Anything I find through the media all around me only creates more of a desperation. People around say they have the answers. We have self-help books, CNN articles about dating and sexuality, pornography. But any answer that doesn’t lead me directly to listening to the living voice of my God only confuses me …and creates a greater desperation.

I’m desperate for an answer. I’m always hunting for people that listen to God that I can glean anything from. I’ve pored over books from John Eldredge, John Piper and Mike Bickle, seeing if they have the answers. I’ve asked people at church, putting tons of pressure on others, hoping they understand what’s going on inside of me. But most of the time, I get either just advice …and often from people that are wise, I get nothing.  Maybe because God doesn’t want me to have an answer, He wants me to have Him.

This Christmas is different. The pain isn’t going away. But I no longer care about TV. And yeah, sometimes I turn to the internet. But I’m gaining the patience to just wait …to embrace the pain and wait for God to answer. In whatever way He wants. It’s not easy, and I’m not perfect at all. But I don’t want ANYTHING to fill the relationship He’s drawing me into. Not the internet, food, TV, relationships, or music.

“You won’t relent until you have it all

My heart is yours

You won’t relent until you have it all

My heart is yours

I’ll set you as a seal upon my heart

As a seal upon my arm

For there is love that is as strong as death

Jealousy demanding as the grave

Many waters cannot quench this love”

 

– Relentless