Can You Kill Me?

It’s once again raining and cold here in Mijas. And being me, I took the opportunity to go running around the hills, getting thoroughly drenched. And after reaching the top of a hill, that question hit my heart. Am I truly broken? How deep does my well go? If my wife or I were thrown in prison, could you kill my heart? If you threatened to kill my family, would I still stand?

Summer and I live just twelve miles away and yet once again, we’ve been asked to limit our time together to just a few hours per week. The pain has been excrutiating this past week. I’ve felt angry, felt helpless. Can I trust that God is working through authority or do I rebel? Do I just give up and walk away from this relationship or can we hold this together? How much more of this can I take? Our relationship has already been through so many tests, does it ever end? Will we ever be able to just enjoy one another?

The other day Andrew Shearman told us we’re not truly broken until the pain doesn’t hurt anymore. And on top of the hill today, I realized I’m still not broken yet. And suddenly my heart was gripped with pain because I realize I’m still killable. Is there really a ton more pain ahead? Back in Colorado, God asked Summer to leave for an indefinite amount of time. It was only six days, but neither of us knew how long that time would be or if He would ask us to break apart our relationship. I had no control. And Summer knew that she couldn’t go against what God was asking her. All I felt was helplessness, and I knew more brokenness was ahead that would eventually occur even when our fast from one another ended.

The other night, I went out on the roof to pour my heart out to God because of all of this; I was listening to the lies of the enemy as he was throwing doubt into what God has done to draw the two of us together, and I needed to hear from God Himself. I know almost instantly now when I need to turn to God. I’m blessed with the privilege to love Summer, yet I can’t give to her unless I’m digging deep into the well of God’s life.

All of this is causing me to reach into the heart of my creator in a way I never have before. And all of this is bringing more life to our relationship. It does seem counterintuitive. The more it feels like death to give up all that is dear to us to God, the more life we experience in Him. And I’ve realized I can’t give up on my relationship with Summer even if I tried. God has forged a love between Summer and I that only He can tear apart. Our relationship can’t deepen without Him, and yet it can only be destroyed by Him. And through our brokenness… the more that we give up control of trying to hold this relationship together, the more God seems to be showing us that no lie and no fear come close to threaten the bonds that He began creating in us over a year ago.

In theory I want to have an unkillable heart. But the deeper I go right now, I wonder if I’m willing to accept the calling that God may have for me. I’m questioning at times if I really want adventure anymore. But really there’s nowhere I can move but forward. In the movie The Matrix, Neo discovers the truth about how disgusting and horrific the Matrix actually is, and he asks “Can I go back.” Morpheus replies, “No. But if you could, would you really want to?”