There’s no reason to sugarcoat this…I hated my time in Vietnam during month 5 on the Race. It had nothing to do with the country nor the city we stayed in for the month. The Vietnamese people weren’t the issue. Rather, they were some of the greatest people I’ve met on the Race thus far. This was one situation where I couldn’t blame anyone around me. Not even my teammates could justifiably wiggle their way into my crosshairs. Unfortunately, I hated my time in Vietnam because of me.
Let me preface by saying that I am a person who thrives on consistency and structure. When I have a set schedule and clear expectations, I can easily fit things into my life that I know are vital to my spiritual health. Structure breeds discipline for me. Having a set time to be up in the morning along with a set time to be working or meeting my initial task for the day gives me the necessary framework within which I can fit everything else. Jesus doesn’t struggle to find His way into my mornings, afternoons, or evenings when my life is structured. My life prior to the race was a stagnant mess because of a lack of structure. My days would consist of scraping by at work (which is horribly painful to admit), binge watching Netflix in my free time, and generally living life with no semblance of structure or direction.
My time in Vietnam was like time traveling backwards 12 months. My team was split up into groups every day for ministry. Sometimes we had to be up at 6:30 AM to catch a bus across the city to an apartment complex to sit and watch other people teach English to Vietnamese children. Other times we didn’t have to wake up until lunch to go to the park to do ministry with college students. If it wasn’t a park ministry day and you weren’t on for the morning session, your only ministry for the day was either at 5:30 PM or 7:00 PM. Needless to say, I had a lot of free time. In addition to an abundance of free time, I also had air conditioning, a bed (though not a comfortable one), excellent WiFi, and access to Netflix for the first time in six months. If you’re seeking to put together the best possible scenario for me to slip back into stagnation, my time in Vietnam had all the vital ingredients.
Drew Dahlsten, one of my teammates, had a striking bit of wisdom for me around three weeks into our time in Vietnam. It still haunts me a bit two months later. He said our time in Vietnam was great for providing a glimpse into what life after the Race will look like. Will we be changed individuals who are now passionately in pursuit of a higher goal than before the Race? Or will we fall back into a meandering existence predicated on self-seeking? My answer scared me. As I ran away from pursuing the Father, the enemy met me with some old sin and accusations that caused me to spiral into spiritual depression unlike anything I’d ever experienced. As I experienced that depression, I ran away from my team, the support structure with which God gifted me to help guide me through the junk when it gets hard. I blamed them for not seeking me out. I ignored their pleadings for me to draw close to the Father again. The enemy was there to meet me again, this time with one of his favorite tools: comparison. He told me I was less loved, less desired, and essentially garbage by comparison to my team. As I fell victim to this clever little trap of the enemy, I did turn back to the Lord, only this time I turned to Him in anger and frustration. I wanted to know why He brought me on the Race only to discover that I’m just a watered down sad excuse for a “follower.” I wanted to know why He never answered my pleas for freedom from the sin in my life that causes me so much anxiety and fear. And that’s where I left Vietnam.
One of the hardest parts about looking back on Vietnam is that I saw it happening from the first week and I didn’t do anything about it. The Lord gave me a choice within this situation to choose to seek Him instead, but I chose to fall back into the false comforts of a prior life. Yet this time I was dissatisfied with what I found there. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I did find out tons of information on Australia’s 72 most dangerous animals thanks to my reunion with Netflix. Fascinating stuff. Watch out for the cone snail. That sucker means business…and its business is your death. Beware. But seriously. I found myself so thoroughly dissatisfied and disgusted by falling back that I couldn’t even use it as an escape from the reality that God was pushing me into some hard areas of growth. Yet He allowed me to choose to go there. Perhaps to show me that He has something bigger and greater for me of which I would only be made aware through experiencing dissatisfaction.
So what have I learned since leaving Vietnam? Well, Cambodia brought daily structure and an opportunity to reconnect with the Lord again, so I at least learned that I still thrive off of structure. But at the end of week 2 in Cambodia, Ashley Miller and Liz Davy, two of our raised up squad leaders, gave me the challenge of not reading Scripture for a month. They instead asked me to pursue an alternative way of connecting with the Lord. I tried stepping into the discipline of meditation for two days before getting frustrated and running away from my pursuit of the Lord for the rest of the month. Guess who was there to meet me again with open arms and pointed fingers? So I learned that it’s not just structure I thrive off of, but also my ability to have experience with the Lord on my terms and within my preferred contexts. I realized that I like to box the Lord into a space and an experience that is comfortable and makes sense to me.
If you haven’t heard this before, let me be the first to tell you…that isn’t how ANY relationship is designed to operate, especially not one with the Creator of the universe. It’s actually quite comical when you really think about it. Imagine a tiny insignificant fleck of clay within a massive piece of pottery crying out against the potter’s hands. As the potter is carefully forming the clay, that insignificant speck is telling the potter where he can and cannot touch his own creation. He’s telling the potter what shape he’s allowed to form and what method he can use to form the pot. That’s a seriously dumbed down version of what I was doing (and unfortunately find myself continuing to do), and it reeks of arrogance and pride. With that in mind, I learned that structure isn’t a bad thing, but relationships aren’t established and grown on a schedule. I got this listening prayer sometime in the last 4 months about this very subject. It said: “How are we to groan inwardly and also wait expectantly? It seems that when we groan most deeply, we most urgently anticipate resolution for our pain. But we cannot hope unless we learn to wait, and we cannot learn to wait if we put God on our schedule.” That’s some profound truth. If I plan on growing the rest of the Race and beyond when I return home, I need to make space for the Lord to be walking with me in every context and every moment, waiting patiently and expectantly.
I lived stagnation in ignorance before the Race. I didn’t hate it, but I also knew I needed something more. I lived stagnation in understanding during month 5 in Vietnam. I loathed it and I refuse to go back to that place. There is no life in stagnation. Flowing water breeds life and is good for others to come and drink. Stagnant water breeds disease and is of no use to others. May the Lord breed within me flowing water where stagnant water used to reside.
