If you would have asked me how I was doing a week ago I would have told you not so great. I may have been in the middle of an identity crisis that started the first day of launch, and it has been a continuous battle for the past three months. There have for sure been good times and looking back I can see how God has been present, but for a while I felt constant tension in my relationship with God and I was so tired of trying. I was confused all the time, I have tons of questions I didn’t feel I was getting answers to, and I honestly just felt like I didn’t know God. Leaving for the race I was so excited to get away from everything familiar and learn things on my own. I wanted God to teach me who he really was instead of getting my answers from friends or from the church. However I started having these questions that lead to many doubts, and I just felt abandoned by God during a time where I really needed to be build up.
Almost two weeks ago I was able to journal about what I have been feeling, and for the first time since leaving home could put my thoughts into words. I recognized that I was holding onto to many burdens that were not my own and I rested in a place of self-pity. Not because I wanted to be sad, but I thought if I stayed in this hard place being confused all the time I would eventually find answers. One of my many struggles is learning to understand God. He took himself right out of the box and showed me just how big He is. That’s amazing and I don’t want to follow a God who lives in a box but I got stuck understanding how he could be so big and also personal. I know that true freedom comes from trusting God but I honestly can say I didn’t believe God was good enough to answer my questions or to take me to a better place. So pretty much I was stuck, a little angry, but so ready to move forward and live the race God has planned out for me.
I think figuring out what my issues were was the biggest obstacle, but once I identified all that it really comes down to a choice. I can choose to dwell on the mysteries of God and refuse to trust a God I don’t understand or I can set my emotions aside and realize God is totally in love with me regardless of if I feel it. I know in my heart there is no other way but Jesus and I need to start acting like that’s true. I know I love him so I need to live as if that’s true.
And then we arrived in Thailand. I love it here. I love the culture, I love the city, and I love the people we get to work with. It’s just hard because I am super uncomfortable. I used to share a room with fourteen other girls and my team is now living on our own everyone separate in three different rooms. We are teaching English and I am not totally confident in my abilities to do so. Sometimes I wonder if I really like it here at all. But I know this is where God wants me and that’s where I want to be. Each day is a struggle but I also feel closer to God than ever. I actually need to rely on him for everything because there aren’t many other things to comfort me. Each day before bed I pray. I am scared to go to sleep because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I am terrified I will wake up not trusting God with the day. But he is seriously all I have and each morning I wake up doing ok. I wake up with joy and a passion to pursue the Lord. I am uncomfortable all the time and I really don’t know what I am doing but God is answering my prayers. He is taking me to the hard places that will grow me and He is leading me where my trust is without borders.
I am finally ready to dive in. I truly feel open for whatever God wants to do and I am ready to be lead wherever he wants to take me. I have been praying for a LONG time for God to show me what it really means to follow him with reckless abandonment, to totally deny myself because He is greater than I. I really don’t think I have that figured out but God is revealing that picture to me little bits daily and I am praying that continues throughout Thailand.
