Over time I have learned that I am definitely more of a feeler than a thinker. Although I try to think things through logically, whenever I am making decisions I always go with my gut. I don’t think this is a bad thing but I am very aware of my emotions, even those emotions which are not distinct. I feel it when something is going great, I feel it when things are going not so great, and I feel it when something is off, even if I can’t point it out.
Recently that’s how I have been feeling, off. And I don’t understand it at all. Looking at my life I can see all the areas God is working and how so many things are falling into place. I see where I have struggled and I see where God has turned things around. I am confident that God is doing great things in my life and in those around me, but still something seems off. Things are SO good, but something is missing.
I couldn’t describe it to you and I couldn’t tell you how. It makes no sense to me but I think I have finally discovered where it is all coming from. I can’t get enough of Jesus. I don’t mean that to be in a super spiritual way. And I don’t want it to seem as though Christianity is about me choosing Jesus, because I know that it is in fact all about Jesus saving me. But I can’t get enough of Jesus and it hurts.
I recognize that I do not deserve God’s grace. All the things I have done wrong and all the things I continue to mess up show me continually I am in desperate need of Jesus as my saviour. I also recognize that God, the creator of the universe, invites me into a relationship with him because His love for each of us is so deep, and because of this I want to give Him everything but it never feels like enough.
Living in the society we do, I don’t know how to possible give everything up to God. My vision of what this looks like is me literally abandoning my life, but even that isn’t a clear picture because how can that realistically exist? Right now I am in my final year of high school and I feel held back from so many things. There is school, work, friends, family ect. There is no way of me quitting life to give God 100% of my time and energy but that should be how it is! After spending some time talking to a close friend about this we concluded that the solution is about bringing God into everything that we do. Make Him apart of our school life, include Him in our other relationships. As the loving father He is, He wants to be involved.
But I can look at the different areas in my life and see where I have included God and something is still off. I will use the example of other relationships. That is a place where God has shown Himself continually. Leading some very awesome conversations and providing me with crazy opportunities, God is clearly working in this area of my life because I have somehow found a way to allow Him to take control. But I think no matter how much I invite Him into that area, how can it ever be 100% about Him when my relationships, specifically with those who are not Christians, are of this world?
It is overwhelming, and a lot to try and take in and figure out but maybe I am never meant to be fully content. It is a good thing to continually search for God, no matter where you are at your relationship with Him because it is easy to subtly fall when you become comfortable. But also sometimes I forget the reality of heaven. I was not made for this earth, I was made to be with God and that will happen in heaven. The bible talks about heaven being the place where we will finally be untied with Christ and until that happens how can we ever feel fully fulfilled?
