August 31, 2010
Malaybalay, Philippines
I saw the brilliant pink sky peak through the curtains and it invited me for a closer look. I got out of bed, opened the curtains to welcome the invitation and there it was. A dead bird. That isn’t something that you generally want to see first thing in the morning. And for me, a bird lover, it was rather devastating. I talked myself through the circle of life as I watched ants already devouring the eyes. Little did I know the significance of that bird in the day to come.
I had my quiet time in my usual spot which overlooks the glorious mountains and now, the bird. I tried to maneuver myself so I didn’t have to look at it but it was centrally located. My eye kept coming back to it, looking at the frailty of life. It was a young bird. I could tell by its color. I wondered what happened. Why this bird? Why my balcony? I know, it seems a bit dramatic for something that can be written off as the food chain. But I generally think there is more to life and its circumstances than we tend to think. Now, I don’t think that the bird on the balcony was a sign that would change the fate of the day or the course of my actions. But I do think that it is worth pondering. So, I did.
And again, I was brought back to Matthew 10:29-31 -“Not one sparrow falls apart from the will of Your Father.” It may seem insignificant, a sparrow, but it isn’t. The Father knows about it and it doesn’t happen apart from His will. And what the Father knows about, I want to know. I spent some time on His sovereignty. It was an unfortunate event, seemingly, but God knew about it. It wasn’t out of His control. He is perfectly in control. Even in the lives of sparrows, that in Biblical times are sold two for one penny. You may not believe this, but the bird was a sparrow.
I’m still processing through His sovereignty, His goodness, His character. Perhaps I’ll never be done with that. But I’m thankful I spent some time on it this morning. Because I watched one of His children walk away from Him today. And it was painful. I’m not sure if the fall of the sparrow this morning was painful to God because I know it all fits into His brilliant design of nature. His sovereignty. But I wonder just how massively God’s heart breaks? If He has such great love and He does, I would imagine He feels great and massive heart break. I imagine it because I experienced a little bit of that today.
We went to get Renato today so he could join us for class at the jail. In hindsight, probably not smart to bring someone back to the place they just got released from but we are in the process of figuring all of this out. His house isn’t far from the dirt road we traveled down. It is some what centrally located in the village. We walked up to his door and found Renato lying on the couch. He sat up as we came to the door but his usual smile was nowhere to be found. He didn’t want to go to the jail with us today. I was fine with that. I was beginning to realize that the visits there, even for something good like education may be taking a toll on him.
I was about to walk away, content that I could teach him at a different time, a different day. But William asked if I wanted to talk to him. I was going to save it for another day, we were already late to the jail for class. Luckily Pilipino time is later than I am! I asked if I could come in and I sat beside him and asked how his heart was. He turned his head into his knees, covering it with his sheet. He started crying and I swallowed hard as I heard each word come out of his mouth. He told us that he didn’t want to go with us anymore. He told us that he felt awkward with us and that he was comfortable with his friends from before. He told us that he had been hanging out with them and was going to continue to do so, doing the things they were doing.
The whole time he is talking, I am replaying the accounts of just 5 days ago. The words he spoke to me then. But I had to coach myself through the fact that he is 16 and he has been through so much in that short amount of time. I am sure there are many lies that hang over him – not worth it, rejected, unloved. And he is a baby Christian without someone to walk Him through what it means, how to act, what the Bible says, and more. So I was no longer amazed at that just 5 days ago he was singing a different tune, I was more amazed that he fought that long. I noticed something before he hung his head. The spot on his face was gone. I wonder if the spot was enough of a reminder of what he stood for, and now he didn’t know.
I experienced a wide range of emotions. Mainly, I was sad. I knew he wasn’t rejecting me, he was rejecting what he didn’t understand and what was foreign to him. But I love Renato, as if he were my own and it pained me to watch him walk away from what I knew was best for him. I told him that I loved him. And there was nothing he could do that would change that. I reminded him that he knew where to find us, he has our phone numbers. I also reminded him to look at his arm every once in a while. When I left the first time in April he asked for something to remember me by. I gave him a bracelet (a friendship bracelet type) to which I have a matching one. I have kept it on since that day. And I wanted him to know that even though the color has faded and the thread is frayed, my love for him hasn’t and won’t.
I sat in the van on the way back into town and wondered many things. Mostly, What am I doing? Who am I to think that my love could change him? Or anyone for that matter? I wondered some of these things out loud and William reminded me at that point, that it wasn’t my love that I was loving him with. Maybe that is why it hurt so badly! How was I about to walk into the jail and pretend like everything was going to be okay? How was I going to love the other boys like it mattered? Did it even matter? Then I remembered the sparrow. Not one falls without Him knowing. Not one. Not the one that was on my balcony. How much more is He aware and in control of the lives of His children.
God is sovereign and brilliant in his plans. I was reading a blog by Steven Furtick about Job. We remember Job for his miserable life. But the book doesn’t end with that. The book ends with God’s abundance in Job’s life. He went through the misery to get to the abundance. Not every one does but He knows. He sees. And He knows what He is doing. He isn’t losing the battle in Renato’s life. He will use what is happening for His good. He certainly did in my life, when I walked away for a life that was easier and more comfortable and seemingly meeting my needs more than I thought Christ could.
I trust God, He told me to trust Him when Renato got released. I was afraid this was happen. But I still trust Him. Because I know He knows. I know His heart breaks. I can’t begin to imagine the pain. My eyes are still puffy from the amount of tears I shed that day and that was 3 days ago. Jake Hamilton sings a song about the sparrow called Embrace. A line of the song says “If your eye is on the sparrow, then your heart is on me.” The chorus repeats again and again – It’s all gonna be okay.
It’s all gonna be okay.
