Adventures WorldRace SethBarnes Sponsorship Giving

| by archiveworldraceblogs

I
May 19th
Phnom Penh (the picture is the sunset over Bangkok at the beginning of the month)

Here is a little time line of the past couple of days.  Sunday, I preached on trust (previous blog – The Tug of War).  Monday, I had to dig my feet into the kind of trust I preached about – into knowing more of the Lord.  More of His love.  I had to lift my hands in worship and expect Him to act on my behalf when what I believed and saw seemed that He had forgotten me.  What I preached, I had to practice.  And it wasn’t easy.  It was actually hard medicine to swallow.  But it is Wednesday now, and I am thankful for what I am learning through it. 

In month 10 of the race there are a lot of conversations about what is next.  What we will do when we hit American soil.  Those conversations are also sometimes surrounded by a lot of questions, insecurities, and doubt.

But I am having to learn, that instead of standing in the position and posture of trust to receive blessings and direction, I should be standing there to receive more of Him.  Not more of His abundance, which is readily available.  Not answers to my prayers.  But a pressing in to know more of Him and His love.  To raise my arms in adoration.  Simply to love Him.  To love the one who loved me first, in the pits of my disparity.

I read a book a couple of years ago by Paula Rinehart called Better than my Dreams.  It is a great book.  I even gave it to people to read because I so agreed with what she was saying.  However, I didn’t realize that my heart didn’t agree.  Because deep in my heart I have great dreams.  Big dreams.  Audacious dreams.  I have great dreams of being healthy, and being married, and having a family of my own, and a great ministry for kids that need another chance at love and life, to leave a legacy, and more.  But what I have realized is that those dreams are so embedded in the fibers of my heart that it is hard to pry them from the pulse of the blood that flows through it.  I have worked for these dreams tirelessly over the years, prayed for them, and even been hopeful that God would come through for me.

Monday, I received a phone call.  The information I received from this call went against the dreams and plans I had for myself.  With the simple answer of no, I felt like my dreams were crashing down around me.  I felt like the hope that I preached about on Sunday was a lie.  I felt like God wasn’t acting on my behalf.  But it was because I didn’t get the answer that I wanted.  The promise still stands.   He does work on my behalf, the Bible tells me He does.  But what do you do when it looks different than you dreamed?

It was at that moment, that the truth hit me.  God isn’t better than my dreams.  I found that I have put my value and my worth in to what I can conjure up.  What I can work toward.  And when it was taken from me, I was devastated.  Devastated because I was searching for something to give me value when my value is found completely in Christ.  What He has done for me.  The kind of love He has for me.  It is from that overflow that my passions and purposes are lived out.  It has nothing to do with my job, my social status, my marital status but everything to do with the fact that when God sees me, He sees His daughter.  And my worth is secure in that. 

This is a hard lesson I am learning.  When I finished reading the book, Better Than My Dreams, I couldn’t pray for Him to be what the title proclaimed.  I couldn’t bring myself to pray for Him to take my dreams and do with them what He will.  I was afraid of the pain. I was afraid that He wouldn’t give me what I wanted.  But I have to tell you, holding on to them and doing whatever humanly possible to attain them hasn’t worked.  It has in fact created more pain.  Because none of the dreams have come to fruition.  And I have tried.  And I am tired. 
 
And so I have nothing left to lose.  I am praying that God will be better than my dreams.  And for the first time in my life, I  believe it.  I believe that He will show me.  And I believe that the dreams that I have will come to fruition out of the overflow of HIS blessing not my hard work.  He delights in giving me His good gifts but I think He wants me to see that they come from His loving hand and not from anything that I could create or work toward.  
 
So, I may not be going back to the Philippines as soon as I originally thought.  I am sad.  But I am learning that putting my value and worth in anything other than God is a recipe for disaster.  I found great worth at the jail in the Philippines.  I loved those boys.  And I know they saw the love of God through me.  But if I go back under any notion other than what God is doing in my life and theirs then I will create unrealistic expectations for people and circumstances.  It isn’t fair and I will be disappointed and so will the boys.  So, instead I will trust that God is faithful to His promise of me going back.  And when I do, He will show me the splendor of what He has done there.  And I think I will be able to love those boys in a new way.  A way that exudes confidence in My Father.  Not out of what I can offer them.  They need to know God as such.  And I need to learn.  And so as I press in to finish this race well, I am pressing in to know the Lord more.  To adore my Father simply because He is my Father.  And My Father is Better than My Dreams!