Entry #1
In my quest to press in and know the love of the One that is better than my dreams, I will be holding on to the promise in II Corinthians 4:16. It reads, “Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day.” I am pressing in to know the greater glory each day. It has been evident each month, but I will push my roots down deeper still to conquer new depths and intimacy.
I looked up renewed and found one of the definitions to mean “give fresh life or strength.” Fresh life. I like the sound of that. New. Pure. Pleasantly clean. Recently created. Not impaired. Yes, I will take that life. I want to hold my hands up in adoration and expect Him to rain down fresh life as He renews me.
As the months of the race have gone on, I can feel my outer man decaying. I feel sore and exhausted. I even see wrinkles that I know I didn’t have when I started – perhaps a result of the intense African sun! I can also feel my inner man being renewed. But I want to see the inner renewal daily. The Bible says that it is available. And I want to walk in it.
So, each day (bear with me!) I will be posting a blog about my time with my Father and the fresh life He is giving me. Daughter diaries, if you will.
Today, in my time with Him, He assured me of many things. That He will teach me. That He is slow to anger. That He loves me and is proud of me. That I don’t mess up as much as I think that I do. That He can handle me and defend Himself. And that decisions are simply that. Decisions. They aren’t life altering, universe changing options. By making it such, I make Him much smaller than He is. He is bigger than that.
He also reassured me that He is a good Father. And that He has good gifts for me. I have been pondering this decision to go back to the Philippines ever since I left there. I have weighed every option, prayed, sought counsel, etc. But each time I go to buy the tickets, I talk myself out of it. Even to the point, that I talked myself out of what my motives were in going back in the first place. And so my mind has been a swirl of emotion. I have toiled over what to do. So much so, my position and posture of trust changed without me even knowing it or recognizing it.
I became nervous to talk to Him because I was afraid I couldn’t hear Him. I was afraid of what He would say. But last night, I was talking to a friend, a wise woman and she let me know that what I was doing was dishonoring to Him. Ouch! But it is true. He has given me ears to hear and doesn’t take delight in keeping things from me or holding out on me. She also reminded me of my last blog and the little words that said I would press in.
So, I took a little of my own advice today. And I pressed in. I am sitting at a coffee shop thankful that it is about to rain. Because even inside, with air on (barely), the heat bears in through the windows and sweat forms on my brow. But in this seat, I have heard him. I have heard His small but wonderful and faithful voice.
Circumstances don’t effect what I have told you. Jodi, I know you know your value and worth are found in me. You will struggle to live that out but going back to the Philippines isn’t going after that – it is actually going after me. I have more for you. You are my daughter and I delight in good things for you. I have great gifts for you. This is one of them. You know your purpose isn’t in it. I know you know it’s found in me. Press in to my love this last month and see what you learn. It’s not just words on the page -I delight in you! This isn’t some whim. You are continuing the work mindful of who I am and what I’m doing. Two months will have separated you – don’t question what I can do in that time in you or them. You offer those boys who you are – that will be enough. You will never be at a spot where you have “it.” You take them along for the journey and it is a good one.
I asked how this happened. And He brought me back to a story I had just read in Luke 24. Jesus has risen, and two of His disciples are walking to Emmaus talking with each other about all these things which had taken place (vs. 13-14). Then, Jesus shows up and travels with them (vs. 15). And from that verse on, it is somewhat chaotic about if it is Jesus and what is going on. They forgot and doubted in the circumstances. And so did I. They disciples tried to make sense of it but couldn’t. You go on who He is, His word, what He tells you, and what He has done. They didn’t. I felt Him gently ask, “what if they just enjoyed me on that walk – held my nail pierced hands instead of trying to reason? Belief looks me in the face and knows it’s me, recognizes me.
What if, I did the same?
