This blog is not easy for me to write, but I know it’s something that God is asking me to share. I woke up this morning and felt God speak into my heart that it is time to share this part of my past with everyone who is a part of my life and World Race journey. It is really scary and completely out of my comfort zone to share such an intimate and painful part of my life with the world, but I know that I need to share it for two important reasons:
- God gets all the glory. My story shows God’s strength in the midst of my weakness; God’s faithfulness in the midst of hardship; and God’s comfort, love, and grace in the midst of heart-ache.
- God has used and will use the trial I went through to bring comfort, encouragement, and hope to other people who are going through similar circumstances in their lives.
This is something that is important to read all the way to the end, so if you are starting to read this, please take the time to read the whole thing so you do not get the wrong idea.
I was 18 years old. I had just re-committed my life to Christ and I was at the beginning of adulthood. I was naïve, immature in my faith, and I had so much to learn. I had no idea the crazy journey of faith that was ahead of me.
I met him the summer after I graduated from high school. We were lifeguards together and we became good friends by the end of the summer. He left for the military and I left for college, but we stayed in touch through letters and saw each other when we both came home for the holidays. We started dating and our relationship got serious really fast.
I was so in love, so infatuated, and so completely swept off my feet by him. I was certain that he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
And so we got married.
I moved to another state where he was stationed with the military. I left the comfort of my home, my family, and my friends to be with him. It was a hard transition to leave everything behind, move to a new place where I didn’t know anyone, and adjust to being married to someone in the military. It was even harder because his job required him to leave for days at a time, so I would be alone a lot of the time. He also went on a seven month deployment, which was very hard on our relationship.
Before I go on, I want to make it clear that I am not writing this to make him sound like a horrible person, but I am writing this out of a deep part of my heart that knows the truth needs to be revealed, so I am going to be as honest as possible.
We started having problems at the very beginning of our marriage. The root of 99 percent of our problems was a lack of trust. I started catching him in lies and kept discovering things that he tried to hide from me. I struggled with over-reacting when I would catch him in lies, and I had a “control” issue that I later realized was really a TRUST issue. It was very emotionally hard for me to deal with on my own and I did not share my struggles with anyone for a long time because I was too scared and I did not want to harm his reputation. That time of my life really taught me to depend on God more than I ever have because he was the one I shared all of my heart and my struggles with. It also helped that I was a part of a wonderful church and I was surrounded by great people, many of which I am still very close friends with.
After he got back from deployment, we started going to marriage counseling at our church and things seemed to start getting better, until we came home for Christmas in December of 2012, and everything fell apart. After I discovered something on his phone, he went to stay with his parents for a few days.
When he came back to talk to me, he was completely emotionless and wouldn’t even look at me. He told me that he wanted to get a divorce and there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. I begged him to change his mind and told him that we can work through this, but his final decision was already made. Nothing I said, nothing I did, and no matter how much I cried, he would not change his mind.
He dropped me off at my parent’s house and went back to our home without me.
My heart was ripped apart that night. I remember walking into my parent’s house and my dad was the only one home. I wept in my dad’s arms for what seemed like hours and felt the most hurt I have ever felt in my entire life. I felt so rejected, worthless, used, broken, unwanted, shocked, and confused. I can’t even explain the depth of the hurt that I felt in my heart. It was the most awful feeling in the world and I never want anyone to feel what I felt that night.
For the next month, I grieved and cried out to God with all my heart. I cried more tears, forced more smiles, avoided more people, felt more alone, and hurt deep down more than I ever have before. I hid my emotional pain from most people for a lot of reasons. I was ashamed of my circumstances. I was convinced that no one would understand what I was going through. I was scared to share what I was really feeling. I was afraid of being judged. I did not understand why I was going through such an awful, miserable, and uncontrollable time in my life.
Even though I was confused and broken, I trusted God. I clung to His word more than I ever have before. I was desperate for Him because I knew that He was the only one who could help me overcome what I was going through. I cried out to Him more than I ever have. I shared all of my pain with Him because I knew he was the only one who could completely understand. I surrendered my heart to Him because I trusted in His faithfulness and goodness.
I can vividly remember the pain I felt, but I can also remember the sweet moments that God spoke into my heart when I needed it most. One of the verses that gave me perspective during that time is 2 Corinthians 4:17 – “For our light and momentary trials are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” The trial I was going through sure did not seem “light” and “momentary” at the time; but compared to what God has prepared for us in heaven, all the trials we face on this Earth are light and momentary.
The valley was a hard and dark place, but I learned so much from that time. I have grown spiritually, emotionally, and mentally stronger. I have experienced Christ’s love, healing, and redemption like never before. I have learned what true friends look like. I have been able to offer so many other young women comfort and encouragement. But most of all, I have grown closer to my Heavenly Father and experienced an intimacy with him that I can’t put into words.
God is so much greater than anything we will ever face. When we are weak, he is strong. When we can’t see, he sees yesterday, today, and tomorrow. When we walk away from him, he is there reaching out his loving hand to us. When we can’t walk on our own, he carries us. When we feel alone, he is there to comfort us. When we go through hard times, he is teaching us, refining us, and healing us. He is with us always and he will never leave us or forsake us. No matter what we do, what we believe, or what we try to control, God is always working all things together for the GOOD of those who love him (Romans 8:28).
“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” –C.S. Lewis
