This time of waiting to go on the race has been hard. It has been really difficult for me to be patient. Some days, four more months of waiting seems like an eternity because I am so eager to GO out into all the world and proclaim to good news, to leave my comfortable life behind, and live radically for the sake of the Gospel. But I know that I haven’t left yet for a reason, and I’m still here for a reason. Though this time has been challenging, I know that God is trying to teach me something to prepare me to go in September.
Tonight I finally realized what He is teaching me. God spoke to me through my brother in Christ, and it was truly touching and spoke into a deep part of my heart. As God spoke to me, I realized a lot of things about myself.
I realized that I still hate a lot of things about myself.
I realized that I have been looking to the things I have accomplished in my life to find my worth in this world.
I realized that I have been looking to people’s opinions of me to find self-worth and acceptance.
I realized that I often compare myself to others to find fulfillment in the person I am.
I realized that I still feel shame from my past and it has influenced my thoughts of the future.
I realized that I have been allowing all of these things to define me.
But I have also realized the truth.
The truth is – none of these things matter and they will always leave me emptier inside. The truth is that none of my accomplishments in this life define my worth. The truth is that no one’s opinion of me matters because only God can see all of my heart and only he can define who I am. The truth is that I am a daughter of the Most High King and he has chosen me and accepted me. The truth is that he loves me just as I am, regardless of my past, regardless of my struggles, regardless of my mistakes. The truth is that there is no condemnation is Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1) and his grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9). The truth is that my beauty cannot be defined by anyone’s opinion, but only by the One who can see all of my heart.
God is trying to teach me to love myself at a greater level so that I can love others at a greater level. How can we love others if we don’t love ourselves? When we love others, it’s an overflow of God’s love that we ourselves have received from Him.
If we don’t fully receive all of God’s love, we can’t fully give all of God’s love.
Once we can completely embrace who we are in God’s eyes, we can find our self-worth, we can find acceptance, we can find true love, we can find fulfillment, and we can love ourselves by fully receiving God’s love for us and overflowing with that love onto others.
I’m still struggling. And I probably always will struggle in this life. But let’s just be honest with each other and shine light on the dark parts of our hearts so that we can find true healing, build each other up, encourage one another, and pray for each other.
The truth is powerful. And it is only through God’s truth that we can find freedom and healing.
May we look to Him and only Him to find our self-worth, define who we are, and find fulfillment, because He is the only one who can truly give us these things.
May we always see ourselves through His eyes and no one else’s.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8
