I promised myself I wouldn’t do this. I never had a desire to lay my testimony out there for everyone to read. However, 1 John 5:10-11 makes it abundantly clear; our stories are not our own. Our stories serve to glorify the redemption, sovereignty, and eminence (in-the-details-ness) of our Lord Jesus Christ. These verses read “Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his Son. and this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.” So really, that’s my testimony. That’s all that really matters; God has redeemed me, a person who was brought forth in sin, iniquity, and rebellion, and through his Son Jesus Christ, has purified me, given me eternal life, and has, in advance, set apart things for me to do here on earth in order to serve and worship my True Father who I will get to spend my eternity with.
But for the end result of glorifying God and telling of the wonder He has done, I’m going to share some of the details of my story with you. Praise be to Jesus for the work(s) that He’s done in my life, and for changing my attitude towards my story. Testimonies are meant to be shared, so here’s me, sharing mine.
I grew up in a Christian home with two wonderful, God-fearing parents and two beautiful sisters. I grew up in a Christian church and in a Christian school. Childhood was, for the most part, easy and fun. I became a Christian on Easter when I was 4. I was free and encouraged to pursue whatever I wanted, be it soccer, art, karate, piano, etc. My parents cared deeply about stewarding a family that loved the Lord more than anything else.
I loved school, and I was good at school, and most of it went by like normal. My junior and senior years of high school brought about an opportunity to be involved in Student Government, and I’m so thankful for the school that I went to and the chances I was provided to use my voice to create change and action. I know now, though, that this is when my mindset shifted from “I’m Joanna” to “I’m Joanna, the fill-in-the-blank.” I learned that being “normal” is fine and whatever, but having a title… now that’s what gets you remembered. And that’s what I wanted to be, if I had been honest with myself. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be known… really known. And normal Joanna was just that: normal. But tack on “Bible Study Leader” or “Student Activities Chair” or “Student Body President” to that and suddenly, you have to remember me. And even if you don’t remember me as Joanna, you’ll need me at some point, and you’ll have to come back to me. Because I offer something now. I’m needed. I’m not invisible anymore. I’m not lonely anymore.
But of course, I didn’t understand any of that at the time. It’s only by God’ grace that I’m now able to see how the enemy used those good things that were offered to me and twisted them into such worldly identifiers. Senior year was exhilarating, and I loved the thrill of being on the verge of something so big. And through the excitement and the blur of it all, I constantly tried my hardest to mask the extreme comparison and self-hatred that I experienced daily by keeping myself really busy. I never gave myself time to think about how ugly I believed I was, about how “not enough” and about how “too much” I believed I was, and about how lonely I was. Because people knew me, and people liked me, but I wanted more of it. I wanted everyone to know me. I wanted to ensure that I would never be forgotten, or abandoned, or invisible. Joanna was the nice, funny girl who all the things, and did all the things well. But college… I knew college was the time to make a change.
And I don’t know how I thought I’d make that change, but everyone had always told me that college is about redefining yourself, about starting over, and I decided it was my time. I was finally going to be that girl. The girl people knew. The cool girl. The fun party girl (because parties draw a lot of people, and I wanted to be known by a lot of people, so I saw it as a win-win). I decided I was tired of being the nice, funny girl who did everything. I was willing to not do some things, and not do everything well, and explore the life that was previously hidden to me. So, I pledged a sorority in the spring of my freshman year. That decision was followed by about 8 months of poor choices, many of which involved drinking and partying, and a lot of prayers that I had no idea were being prayed for me. We spent most every weekend at one particular fraternity house, and I felt like I was finally making friends. Everyone in that group knew me. I had finally accomplished what I set out to do. And I was loving it.
And then a dirty bathroom changed my life. I walked into a party at the very end of the first semester of my sophomore year, with the same crowd that I partied with each weekend at the same fraternity house we went to every weekend, and a guy that I definitely considered a friend came up to me, drunkenly introduced himself, and asked me what my name was.
And I stood there in shock. And I went to the bathroom (which I swear they hadn’t cleaned in three weeks), locked the door, and had one of the most intense breakdowns I think I’ve ever had. I felt every single part of this false, popular-party-girl identity crumble in my hands. Everything I had worked for, all the late nights, all the stupid choices, all the energy I had put into these people, put into this identity I had created for myself, all of it was for nothing. It was for nothing because behind all of that was just a girl, just Joanna, wanting to be known, truly, really known, and there’s some guy who can’t even remember my name. I was crushed.
I remember going home for Christmas break a few days later and not saying a whole lot. And I remember asking my Bible study leader what to do. And I remember the exact wording of her response. “I think you know what you need to do Joanna… I think it’s time to go Home.” And of course, she meant returning to the Lord. That was truly a life-changing conversation, and it greatly altered who I am today. And I knew she was right. And I started going to church. And I started distancing myself from those “party people.”
And usually, that’s where my testimony stops. But that’s not where it stopped. And I thought, that if I changed my “party people,” I would change. So there I was, professing Jesus and Christianity and going to church, but definitely still having come off a weekend full of poor choices. And I kept my “circles” very separate from each other; my “Jesus people” were my Jesus people, and everyone else was everyone else. I was very careful not to let anyone in my life cross from one circle to another. I was very careful to not “party” in big groups of people, because then I could justify calling it “hanging out with friends” and not partying. I was very careful to talk about the World Race and God’s plans with my Christian friends, and to only engage in the same old, addictive behaviors when it had been a particularly hard week.
And the Lord’s provisions were so evident during that time. He provided me with multiple amazing places to live, with people in my life who were absolutely outspoken about truly living for the Lord, with a few of the best friends I could ever imagine, with incredibly supportive parents, with a wide-open door called The World Race, with revelations about His goodness, and with a deepening understanding of His love. And my rebellion was so evident during that time. Literally until the day I hopped on the plane and was cut off from the “real world,” I was still making the exact same poor choices over and over again and I was still struggling with hating myself. I continued to alternate between completely ignoring and being utterly overwhelmed by my own failure to measure up and to “get my life together” and to stop constantly comparing myself to other women and my own utter, absolute brokenness. And without the Lord, that’s how I wake up every day of my life, even (read: especially) here on the Race. BUT GOD.
But God redeemed and redeems me each day from the filth that is my life without Him.
But God gave me something so much better to live for than myself and my own whims and desires.
But God loves me immeasurably more than I love Him, even when I feel like I love Him more than I can say.
But God not only does not give me what I do deserve (mercy), but He takes it further and goes out and does gives me what I do not deserve (grace).
But God is gentle and kind even though it was me and my sin that got Jesus nailed to that cross.
But God says YES to me even when I say NO to Him.
But God aligned my life to have me in the exact place where I am right now.
But God had me walk through the brokenness of my rebellion and not only still wants to use me, but has this crazy plan to use my past and my pain for good.
But God has made me so full of life and so full of passion and He is helping me realize what that means.
But God offers True Life, True Joy, True Purpose, True Fulfillment, True Satisfaction. I’m yucky. I’m broken. I’m messy. I’m sinful. The Race doesn’t change that. This year doesn’t change that. Nothing changes that. Nothing changes the rebellion I pursued, the pain I caused, the lies I told, the bitterness I held, the betrayals I committed, or the darkness which was and is my life without Christ. BUT GOD. And that is my testimony.
2 Corinthians 5:17-19 — Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting us the message of reconciliation. (ESV)
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If you have any questions or want to hear any more about the work that the Lord has done in my life, PLEASE do not hesitate to ask me (shoot me a message through email, Facebook, this blog platform, etc… I’m pretty easy to get a hold of!). I would love to open that door to further personal conversation! Thank you so much for reading and rejoicing in the Lord along with me.
Be blessed, dear friends!
