We talked about Jonah in church tonight, and needless to say, it was not the message that I was expecting. We didn’t talk about the story of Jonah and the Whale. Instead, we talked about how Jonah, who was one of God’s prophets, eventually found himself in Nineveh, delivered his message, and ended up feeling so discouraged; he had been delivering God’s message over and over again to (first) the Israelites and (then) Ninevites about how they needed to repent or God would destroy. But Jonah was battling so much anger because every time he would deliver this message of doom, God would end up (what looked like to Jonah) going back on his word and rescuing these people that he had just threatened with destruction. Jonah had a hard enough time watching God do this with the Israelites, who would disobey God over and over again, but then Jonah had to go deliver this message to the Ninevites; people who would murder, impale, torture, and destroy the Israelites. The Ninevites were bad dudes. So surely, Jonah thought, God wouldn’t save them. He wouldn’t. And we all know how the story ends…
After Jonah was spit out by the whale, he walked into Nineveh, told the people that they had forty days to live before God destroyed them, went up to the high place outside the city to wait, and watched for the coming destruction. And God showed grace to the Ninevites. And Jonah flipped out. And Jonah basically told God, “God, I told you! You always freaking do this! You always say you’re going to destroy these people who don’t repent and you never follow through. And this looks bad on me and now my reputation is destroyed because you end up going back on everything you tell me to tell these people. I’m so done with you.” To Jonah, his life and the message that he was supposed to deliver as a prophet just felt like letdown after letdown and a continuation of God never doing what he said he would do. And the book of Jonah ends with Jonah telling God that he would rather die than continue to be let down and angered by God.
And it wasn’t until we got to the last verse of the book of Jonah that our pastor went back to the story of the whale. He explained that things might have ended so differently for Jonah had Jonah remembered the whale. One of the things that Jonah says in the belly of the whale is that “salvation belongs to the Lord.” (Jonah 2:9). When God saved the Israelites, salvation belonged to the lord. When God saved the Ninevites, salvation belonged to the Lord. When God saved Jonah, salvation belonged to the Lord. And when God saves you and when God saves me, salvation belongs to the Lord. To be honest with you, I have been struggling a lot lately. I feel SO unworthy. These days, my sin feels compounded and heavy on my shoulders. I’ve been struggling with a mix of comparison/feeling like I’m doing something “wrong” because my quiet time and walk with God doesn’t seem as strong as other peoples’, combined with just feeling like such a constant sinner. I feel like SUCH a sinner.
And I have no idea why God would choose me. And I have no idea why God would want me as a part of his family and there are so many people who are vastly more qualified to go out into the world and serve the Lord and serve his people and do amazing things for God. I should not be on that list, and I feel like, if I took time to “get my life together”, I would come out and I still wouldn’t be on that list. I am so messy and such a disaster of a child. God is my heavenly father, and if my earthly parents were there every second of the day and followed everything I did and everything I thought, I would be labeled the “disaster child”. And God is there every second of the day and follows everything I do and think, and I don’t know why he hasn’t kicked me out of his family. And I find myself wishing that I could get through a single say without needing the immense amount of grace that I need each and every day. I almost… feel bad for God that he has to “deal” with me. I feel like I shouldn’t be almost 22 years old and still brought to tears remembering the amount of grace that God extends towards me each and every day. I don’t just feel like SUCH a sinner. I am SUCH a sinner. I don’t enjoy feeling messy… I don’t think any of us find comfort in messiness. I struggle with relating self-sufficiency to thinking that I’m doing something “right”.
And then I remember the whale. I remember grace. And I look at my life lately and I realize that the last thing I am is self-sufficient, the last thing I am is beyond help. I have absolutely nothing outside of what God extends to me. I would be nothing, I would be nowhere without God. There is no self-sufficiency in a life devoted to Christ, because we know that in him, all things are. All things happen. Nothing is outside of him. We cannot do anything beyond him. So I find myself sitting in the park and asking God to hold my heart, and knowing that I have to willingly choose to come away with an understanding that this is just how God works. This is not a race to see who can be self-sufficient. There is no competition here. This is choosing every day to let God be my everything, to understand that I am absolutely nothing without him. And I have to choose to believe that it’s OK to feel weak and empty and completely disastrous. I have to choose to believe that, “in my weakness, he is made strong… that [his] grace is sufficient for [me].” (2 Corinthians 12:9-11). And you know the amazing thing? God doesn’t think that I’m “too much to handle.” He’s not giving me x’s and waiting until I’ve accumulated enough to be kicked out of the family. Yes, I am a disaster. And he knows it. And for some (incredible) reason, he chooses to love me anyway. He chose to send his son to die. No offense, but if someone as messy as me asked me to sacrifice a loved one to ensure their salvation, I wouldn’t jump at the opportunity. But God knows me, knows my heart, and chooses me regardless. And yes, I am SO unworthy of all of this. So was Jonah. So are all of us. And he chose all of us regardless. Man, what an incredible God we serve.
