I’ve spent a lot of time on my bedroom floor today.
Allow me to explain; I usually get sick right after finals are over, because my body finally has a chance to let down and de-stress after a long week (or a long 2.5 weeks, in my case). When this happens, I usually get sick because I’ve been working so hard to finish everything and stay healthy that my body just can’t handle it anymore. I woke up with a horrid stomach ache, made it through about seventy five percent of church before I thought I was going to pass out, and then came home and alternated between laying in my bed watching Gilmore Girls and kneeling or lying on the floor in pain. The whole thing was weird, and incredibly discouraging, making me think I am definitely sick/fighting something, but also facing some intense spiritual warfare. I think satan knew what the rest of my day would look like…
At about 4:00, I got to a point where I couldn’t handle any more Gilmore Girls (crazy, right?) and was trying to figure out what I should do. I’ve had three people snag Country Jars (Cambodia, Bulgaria, and Greece; if you want a specific jar, be sure to contact me and snag it before anyone else does! Curious about what these jars are? Check out my “everything is better in a mason jar” blog post!), so I decided to work on those (using the floor as my work space). I started playing the Kari Jobe/Bethel Music channel on YouTube and researching those three countries and the needs of the people there. And the things I found broke my heart.
Cambodia is destitute. Poverty rates, as well as child and sex trafficking rates, are through the roof. Many children don’t grow up with father figures. Organized crime and human trafficking are huge problems in Bulgaria, and the minority groups in the country suffer greatly at the hands of the Bulgarian majority. Greece has the third worst economy in the world, with over 60% of the working population unemployed, making many unable to provide for their families ….
… and those facts only begin to scratch the surface of the pain and suffering around the world. So there I was, sitting on my floor, writing these prayer requests on cards to stuff into jars, my heart feeling so incredibly broken for these people all around the world, and I had a realization. This is where I’m going. This is where God is taking me – to minister to people who are hurting and hopeless and lost. There’s a line in the song “Hosanna” by Hillsong United that reads “Break my heart for what breaks yours / Everything I am for your Kingdom’s cause.” That became so real to me this afternoon. And one of my prayers is that God would continue to break me and build me back up into someone whose heart is truly aligned with His. I want to be like David; I want to live my life with the heart of God directing and moving every single thing I do.
And on my floor, as it was raining outside and the drops were hitting my window, I lifted my hands and I sang. I felt the Spirit of God so intensely in my small little room in Greeley, Colorado, and I felt Peace and Joy and Truth and Life wash over my heart in ways that I haven’t felt in months. My life has been so hectic lately that connecting with God became one of the last things on my mind. I’ve struggled with anxiety, anger, a short temper, and have turned to temporary fixes to make me happy. And on my floor, as it was raining outside and the drops were hitting my window, I felt God wrap me up and remind me that he is loving and faithful and doesn’t care that I pushed him to the back of my mind these last few weeks, because He just wants me, anxiety and anger and a short temper and seeking out temporary fixes and all, and He wants to replace those things with His perfect love and wants to make my heart like His.
And my friends, we sing Hallelujah, from our churches and our schools and our offices and our homes and our floors, because the Lamb has overcome.
-J
