During the past 4 months, I have learned more about myself and my walk with Christ than I ever have. It feels like one of those accelerated college courses. Information and revelations, joy, stress, and lots of overly tired days in a short time span.
At training camp in October we were having a prayer time. They asked us to picture ourselves somewhere comfortable, and then said that Jesus was walking to us.
Then they asked us what He looked like and said He was getting closer. He made it to me, what did I want to ask Him? What did He say back? After a while of being with Him, what did He want to teach me today?
This prayer time did NOT play out like I thought it would. For one, I’ve never had a time of imaginative prayer in which I thought I was doing it correctly. I also thought I just wasn’t the type of person who this worked for. So it came as a bit of a surprise to me when I could picture myself, and I could really, really see Him walking towards me! This got me pretty excited for the rest of the prayer to come, and I felt a little proud that it was working. As He started walking towards me, I began to get very nervous. Would the prayer time I was experiencing just stop? Would I be able to see Him get all the way to me? But He kept coming. Then they asked what He looked like, and I had no clue. I couldn’t see Him yet, but I knew He was still there. As the nerves started becoming more real and I could feel my heart beating faster, He finally made it to me. I didn’t look though, and I didn’t know why.
Then came my question, what did I want to ask Him? Before even thinking it through my question just popped out of my mouth and I’d already asked it.
“Do You actually love me?”
That did it, I broke. I couldn’t believe the very first question I would ask in the presence of Jesus, face to face with my God was asking if He loved me! I’ve heard my entire life that He does, I know scriptures coated with how He loves us. I sing about it in worship. But there it was, my only question I wanted Him to answer, out in the open. Did He?
“Joanna, look at me, at my hands, at my feet, don’t you know I love you? I love you through and through.”
I couldn’t do anything other than start sobbing, both in my prayer with the Lord and in the training center. He did, and He wasn’t saying that He loved everyone, and me too. He isn’t saying that He loves me because He has to since He loves the world. It’s not a requirement that He has a grudge against. He purely loves me!
While crying so hard I felt myself fall into Him. He held me, and with a presence that didn’t feel condemning, or an impatience waiting for the moment to end. He just held me and stood with me while I savored everything.
Later that day, He brought it to my mind how I had been viewing Him, and more of why I wanted to know if He loved me. While reflecting on the story of the woman caught in adultery, I found I could relate to her. My life has been a series of experiencing shame in what I’ve done, who I am, and feeling embarrassed by my choices.
It’s like I was the woman caught in my sin, exposed in the crowds, knowing what I’d done was wrong and knowing my sins deserve death. And there has been a teacher who drove away all of the people who would condemn me for my sin. But I keep my eyes focused on the ground, because I can feel the shame of what I’ve done, and who I am. I know how little I am compared to the teacher standing in front of me, and I do not look up at Him.
Then, while I am focused on the dirt and my shame, He walks to me. He asks me to look at His face, picks up my head and tells me that He does not condemn me and my accusers are all gone. I’ve spent my life afraid to look Jesus in the face because I was scared of finding equal shame and disappointment in it. But there was not a single bit of that in His face that day. There was so much pure love and care for me, and happiness that I finally looked at Him. I feel like I’ve been experiencing Him through phone calls in our relationship. I’ve only ever known His voice, but all of a sudden I can see Him in person! I know how He looks at me, and I can see what He really feels versus only hearing Him explain it.
I am not completely fixed, I am not rid of all of my shame, or my fear of approaching the Lord personally, but I can tell He’s not finished healing me yet either. I can now ask myself when I pray, “Am I looking at Jesus’ feet or am I looking at His face?”
And friends, let me tell you that looking at His face is sweet, healing, and so much better than looking in the dirt and shame.
*I’m still support raising for my trip, and in need of raising $9,000 to be fully funded! Click the Orange “Donate!” button to give towards my trip. Thank you!
