I'm not going to let fear control my decisions anymore. I'm not going to let trust be an issue, and I'm not going to use privacy as an excuse to keep people at arms length. My whole life these are issues that I never acknowledge and didn't even really know that they existed. All I knew was the way I was and that was good enough for me. However that wasn't good enough for God. On the first night of launch I kept hearing a voice that was asking "why don't you trust me?" I didn't pay much attention and just kind of brushed it off like it was nothing. Well this feeling kept reoccuring and I started to take a deeper look into things. I started being more honest with my teammates, and myself about how this theme of mistrust occurs in my life more often then I admit it. Also I started to realize that not only was this issue keeping me from getting close to others, but it was keeping me from getting too close to God. This was a major issue, a person cannot go out into the mission field if they don't completely and confidently trust their God. So I sat down and started to focus on this subject rather than avoid it, and it lead to some interesting revelations. It's not that I didn't trust others, but rather I didn't want to allow myself to be that vulnerable. I have always been the support system for people in my life, their shoullder to cry on. However, I would never allow anyone to be that pillar for me during my hard times, because I didn't want to burden them with my problems. Although I didn't know it I was doing that with God as well, I never let myself be to vulnerable around him, because I felt like my problems weren't big enough issues that I couldn't deal on my own. Turns out I actually couldn't deal with them on my own and I just stuffed them away. After several days of God asking me why I didn't trust him I gave him an answer; I didn't think I was meant for greatness and that he had picked the wrong person. Well that didn't go over well and for that whole day God used others to speak to me and tell me that I was called to do this. He used songs, sessions, conversations, etc. just to get it through my thick skull that this is where I'm meant to be. So now I have finally realized that I am hand picked by God to serve on this July route of the world race. No one can do the specific things he has for me to do in the nations, and that I am bound for greatness. Not through my own strength and ability, but through the strength that God provides for me. So now after weeks of no particular feelings one way or another about leaving, I am finally pumped to be on the World Race. This is about to be the most incredible year of my life and I'm so stoked! Lets do this!!!
