I started this blog back in July, but I never posted it. I decided to finish it tonight.
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I’ve been back from the World Race for over 7 months now. Every day I think about things I saw, experienced, and felt while overseas. Since I’ve been back it’s really hard to condense my 11 month journey into a few sentences, or describe what it was like.
Most days on the Race had a little bit of everything… joy, sadness, laughter, helping, confusion, searching, learning, hope. Beginning the trip by working with special needs kids at an orphanage and school our very first month in Guatemala was a very eye-opening, and heart-opening experience.
A big part of our trip was not only investing in the people and communities where we lived, but also our teammates. Each night we would get together as a team and talk about the day, and give each other feedback.
Several months into the race we were in Romania. At our daily feedback session, my team leader, Hugh, said something that really hit me hard. It was an encouragement into a new area of depth that struck a chord in me, and all I could do was sit there and cry. Growing is not easy, and I knew that what he said was true, but it was very uncomfortable. A little while later our team stood outside, each person facing another for an activity we were doing. When Hugh and I stood across from each other and made eye contact I could still feel the sting of his message to me, even though what he said was out of love and a desire for me to grow.
At this point, I had been on a team with both Wes and Hugh for almost 4 months, and I knew both of these guys were the real deal. Their words had weight, and I cared deeply about things they said.
The next month we were in Ukraine. Hugh and I’s friendship continued to get closer, then one day he said something that I needed to talk to him about. I was nervous to, though, because I worried that he would not understand or care about how I felt. If he got defensive then I would regret talking to him about it, or even worse I’d get defensive in return and our friendship wouldn’t be the same.
We took a walk together and I’ll never forget as I started to talk to Hugh that I saw him nodding. He affirmed me in how I was feeling and said he understood why I felt that way and apologized for the way it came across. He also wanted me to hear his heart in it, so we continued to talk and understand where each other was coming from. I can’t fully describe the sense of relief that washed over me. Our conversation went on as we sat facing each other on a big rusty pipe at the end of a dirt road, and I realized something.
Our friendship HAD changed.
Hugh and I were now true friends. We established safety with each other in those moments by being real and honest with each other. If we would have avoided the chance to talk because of the possibility of conflict then we never would have reached a new level of understanding and ease with each other. I knew from that point on that we could be honest and transparent with each other, which only led to us having even more trust, and fun, in our friendship.
Now fast forward to Asia, to our last month in Malaysia. There was an amazing man of God, Kevin, who has experienced more wildness in his life than a hundred ‘average’ people combined. His stories of where he’s lived, how he’s lived, and what he’s been through are not ordinary. One thing that God has gifted Kevin with is prophecy. When he prays and asks God for a word for someone, he often gets one.
“…one who prophesies speaks to people for their strengthening, encouraging & comfort.” I Corin 14:3
One day we all sat around in a room with Kevin as he prayed for God to reveal whatever He wanted to about any of us. I just happened to be the first one he got a word for.
Kevin smiled as he prayed over me and said that he saw a lot of light and joy. He said “there is so much brightness God is showing me about you, I know there are just really amazing things God has planned for you.” He said he may come back to me to see if God revealed more to him, and then he paused and asked me if I had been married. I nodded yes. He said God was telling him that I still had a lot of hurt from what I experienced, and I should pray for the Lord to show me how to work through not being able to trust men.
“I do not have any trust issues with men!” is what I wanted to reply. Other women feel that way, but I don’t! Even though I had listened, what I preferred to think about was the joy and brightness he saw, because that was a theme my teammates had recognized about me throughout the year. My testimony is full of hope… THAT is positive, whereas looking back to the past is not, I reasoned. When I was married I was in my early twenties, and I had gone to counseling and worked through the hurt. Throughout my life I’ve always had several close relationships with male friends who I trust, and have a close relationship with my Dad and my brother. He must be wrong about the trust thing, I thought.
Sometimes we can be so stubborn, or naive. My friend, Donna, has used an illustration about hurts we experience being like nails tapped into a fence post. You can pull the nails out, but there are still holes there. Sometimes little by little or when I’m not even expecting it, God has shown me areas where He can still provide healing to me.
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That was where I stopped writing. I don’t really have a conclusion for you except that God continues to speak to my heart. Even when I’m not faithful to Him, He remains faithful to me. I’m so thankful for the people He has placed in my life that have, and/or continue to love me enough to be honest with me, challenge me, and speak the truth in love. When I have felt truly loved by people is when they are willing to go to the deep heart places by caring about and asking how my heart and soul are, and being willing to have the courage to talk about things even if it’s tough to do so.
Today is Hugh’s Birthday, and I was writing some things down that we had talked about on the Race that he asked me to put on paper for him. It reminded me that I had started this blog that talks a lot about him, so I’m gonna post it tonight.
The friendships and heart-to-heart talks that I still have with friends from The World Race are priceless to me. Since I’ve been back I’ve been blessed by visiting or being visited by Hosanna, Jill, Missy, Alys, Hugh, and Dan. Our squad has special friendships partly because we will never forget the people we met and ministered to together, the villages and slums we saw and visited, the churches we attended, the foods we ate and all the other unique experiences we shared… and also because of the many conversations we had that sometimes involved both tears and laughter, and they still do.
Blessings,
Jo Linda
