So, I am writing this update sitting on a bus from Abidjan, Cote D’iviore to Accra, Ghana.
Month One of the World Race for my squad has come to a close faster than anticipated as we trek to our next destination; and then from Accra my team and two others will be heading to Sunyani, which is where our ministry is located about 7 hours north of Accra. I think we are all looking forward to the next month and whatever it will bring, however we really have no idea what to expect anymore – I am learning to not have certain kinds of expectations; but even more so to strongly hold onto certain expectations – which I will explain in a bit.
The last month has hosted a flurry of emotions and a myriad of challenges. There are things that I came in expecting and hoping for that were not met; while other areas were surpassed wonderfully. With that being said, the Lord has been utilizing my preconceived notions, whether fulfilled or unfulfilled, in order to remold me again, for purposes I don’t quite see yet.
Frankly, there have been so many situations and frustrations that have illuminated old insecurities, of which I had thought I had put to rest years ago – as well as bringing to light things that I just straight up don’t like about myself; or at least things that conflict with the man God has created me to be. Of course, I am nowhere near finishing this cosmic race yet (although sometimes I wish God would take me in my sleep to be with Him) – but I am still in the process of being made holy, even though the end has already been spoken over me. So I am trying to allow myself to embrace the grace He has already given… Yet, I am angry that my fleshly nature comes back so quickly after I had just put it to rest again. It is baffling to me that I have a propensity to turn back to the very things that I hate for a false promise of short lived peace; but I know the very fact I am warring against these things is just more evidence that the Spirit of God is at work in me.
Again and again, I am having to turn everything in my life over to Him.
I need to bring my desires, my expectations, my hopes, my sufferings, my fears, my insecurities, my regrets, my shortcomings, my annoyances, my understanding (or lack thereof) and my perceptions to the foot of the cross repeatedly, merely to rest in Him.
However, doing that on my own strength has been messy, to the point that within a few short days, hours, or minutes, I am picking those things back up and trying to hoist them along again – all the while trying on my own strength to do His will.
I cannot be a true servant by trying harder in and of myself (and being a servant is a godly goal, since “the greatest among you will be your servant”; totally counterintuitive to our human understanding.)
I cannot put to bed my own desires for the sake my brother or sister by merely talking myself into it – I need an anchor to hold me in that, because doing something without love is worse than not doing it at all.
I cannot find rest in meager attempts to draw living water out of the well by my own strength; nor can I share the living water with anyone else, if I am failing to draw it out… obviously, I’d have to ask Someone to draw it out for me, and He will.
I need a massive overhaul on my understanding of myself and my God before I can really impart the freedom Jesus brings to anyone else… so I think the Lord has been breaking me down in order to reshape me again for this reason: to more effectively love others and die to myself, not as the end, but as a means to the end of bringing into the kingdom more adopted sons and daughters of the Universal Creator God.
As I said, I need a massive overhaul on the way I thought of God, too.
He has reminded me several times this month (actually too many times to count) the words that He spoke to Abram in Genesis 15:1 –
“After this the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision:
‘Do not be afraid, Abram.
I am your shield, your very great reward.’”
Wow. God has also told me this very same thing.
When my desires for this temporary life blur my vision; when my peace is disturbed by unmet expectations, or despondent friends, or hard hitting words—when I am angry with myself for being a sinner, when I am afraid that I am not well enough equipped for this lifelong journey – when I am disturbed by the lack of peace in others, or confused by the days uncertainties – when my own good desires for my earthly future begin to creep in and have there way with me, when I simply begin to want things more than I want God without realizing it — and when I simply cannot bear to look at myself in the mirror, much less meet anyone else’s eyes out of shame…
That is when He whispers this to me:
“I am your very great reward, I am your ultimate hope, I am your ultimate prize, and someday you will see me face to face and be with me in my sanctuary.”
In those moments, everything else fades to the background in light of eternity – only worshipping this Grand Creator and standing in awe of Him matters – whether I am destroying the toilet after street SHUHWaaarma, or just frustrated with the residual ache of a botched interaction.
All the things that make me angry, sad, scared, and even happy recede to a blip on my radar and my strength truly becomes the Joy of the Lord- then I can actually become the things He wants me to be, without really trying on my own. He just makes me those things!! He fills me with “peace that surpasses human understanding.” He enables me to actually be truly be humble in heart and take whatever action is warranted from that. He softens my heart to the shortcomings of others and gives me real patience in love; not a gritted teeth sort of patience.
It’s really weird. It’s actually quite spectacular.
How could a man like me; who for years resented humanity for the pain I was in, fantasized about ending my life violently every day; how could I, quite simply a broken, evil person, be brought into a new life like this?? I don’t deserve it.
How can it be??
Only by the saving blood of Jesus on the cross and the hope in His resurrection.
That is what has changed me and made me new. That is what has reset my heart….
Nothing else has ever done the trick in my life, and nothing else is truly secure – this is not a whitewashing of my old life; surrendering to Jesus for Him to do as He wills results in an amazing rebirth into a new life of hope and true living, not just trudging towards the grave as it used to be… and believe me, everyone who is not dwelling in the secure hope of God is merely wasting their days doing just that.
He keeps telling me that He is my Prize and I believe Him.
He’s given me a taste of what that means, and it is very good.
It’s sweeter than sugar, sweeter than the woman of my dreams – Yet, He makes both of those wonderful gifts all the sweeter when I turn them back to Him in worship…
I may not get the things I want in this life, but in light of who He is, it doesn’t matter.
Even if I do get the good gifts that I desire in this short life, I want to lift them up to Him in worship and praise, knowing that eventually I will have to return them anyways – whether in death or beforehand, or when Jesus returns. It is best for me to use the good things I have been given in this life to praise God and store up heavenly treasures for eternity… and so I know He will give me good gifts to further amplify His own Grace for me and for all, then further use His gifts to reflect His glory.
I WILL be with Him for eternity and He WILL be my ultimate prize – better than anything I could ask for on this earth, and better than anything I can imagine; and trust me, I have always been a man who has wanted grand things for my life. Like I said, nothing can match being with God, whether an hour or eternity. When I am resting in the Lord as my eternal hope, He overwhelms the temporary hopes and joys I still have in my earthly life, giving them proper placement; both increasing my joy in His gifts and in Him… He provides a taste of Himself to those who believe Him; making our enjoyment in His gifts full and our enjoyment of Him greater – through the Holy Spirit whom He causes to come dwell in us when we do decide to believe the truth; a true piece of God in us.
This precursor taste of the Lord is GOOD and better than life, so why wouldn’t I expect that the whole meal be even much better when we are finally with Him??
It will, I have no doubt. Yet, when I do doubt or forget, His grace abounds all the more.
Please pray I can continue holding onto this as I begin my 2nd month of ministry with my team this week, and please pray for them as well!!
Thanks for reading, I hope you can see a glimmer of His Splendid Nature and can release your burdens to God by making Jesus your Prize.
The Lord longs to make you His prize as well.
