The months leading up to this trip have been extremely difficult. Several times I have wondered if I will make it to June. Those moments are the most desperate moments, but mainly because The World Race the only thing I am consistently looking forward to – not because it IS the only thing I should look forward to, but rather my days have taken the gray tint of depression; a gray tint that drains hope and fosters self pity, discoloring all aspects of my life and emphasizing the struggles. The circumstantial element of depression is usually the easiest to deal with, when I am turning to Christ. The daily struggle against drugs, sin, and myself can often be overwhelming: so when left unchecked, a suicidal despair can creep up on me at the strangest times. However, when I view the thoughts I receive and the feelings I am dealing with through the proper lens – the lens of redemption and hope in Christ – my perspective on the immediate struggles shift, even if the circumstances do not. In all of this, the light can grow dim at the end of the tunnel. I stumble and become disillusioned with my life, I doubt a lot. However, I am choosing to believe that I have hope and that it is well placed.
I feel like I am stuck in limbo; unable to begin working towards my future goals because the next year is committed. It is hard for me to live in the now when I am bored, lonely, and worn out. Help me get through these months and enjoy it. Help me to do what I love now and worry about the future later. Help me to keep perspective when dark thoughts sneak into my head and try to take seed there, because I can’t do it alone and right now it feels like I am very alone – both physically and spiritually. However, I am choosing to believe that I am not alone.
I don’t want to leave this post with a despairing tone, but I wanted to be as honest as possible. I believe that there is a reason in my struggles right now, even if I don’t see it and never understand completely – I believe that every day that I wake up, there is a purpose in that day; no matter how seemingly small. I believe that humanities saving grace and biggest detriment is found in what you believe: What you believe about God, yourself, the world, and reality. What I choose to believe determines my destiny, so I am choosing to believe God and what He believes about my life.
