Yes, I gave this post a long title because I thought it would be funny, especially when someone sees it and thinks it’s weird or are confused, I think it’s funnier. That characteristic has caused problems before…. Well enough about titles and all that fancy jazz stuff; YOU came here to read important, real, gritty stuff… and I will deliver it. Shall we?
First, I am SO excited to be accepted to this mission trip. I never intended to end up here, but God bottlenecks my path in life in a pretty neat way. However, I have a lot of work to do in preparation for this trip. Mainly inside myself. (Also finances, but that’ll work out more easily.)
I want to ask whoever is reading this to say a quick prayer for my team, myself, but especially those that we encounter over the next year. Pray for their minds, their hurts, their well being. Ask God to give my team an overflow of the spirit when the time comes so that His influence is undeniable and so that we may all give glory to God for the things he’s done and going to do. I need prayer more than money. (and I need a lot of money still haha.)
ALSO pray that I remember the Christ.
I struggle every day. I fight against temptation, depression, the urge to use drugs, the desire to die, and many many more negative character traits that I am trying to take action on fixing….
I forget the hope I have.
The fact of the matter is that I have been redeemed. My soul is cleansed, I am free. I am a new person. I’ve changed. The scarlet stains on my life have been removed, not just hidden or covered.
I am my real self, the real JJ.
I no longer lead a double life. (SEE PICTURE, COOL HUH)
Yet, everyday I struggle to remember it…
I forget who I serve now. I forget my identity. I forget, I forget, I forget…
I forget the hope I have.
BUT, I tend to remember my shame.
I remember the darkness of my past.
I remember days in agony of withdrawal, nights of fear and paranoia, the thievery, evil, and deception committed by my own hand at the great cost of my sanity and the deprecation of my “self”.
(Trust me this is going somewhere.)
The toxic shame that Satan tries to spawn in me is a cold condemnation that keeps me stagnant.
If I forget who I am now, how can I be of service to Christ? If the shame of my past wells up and torments me relentlessly, if I become despondent, depressed, hopeless- What do I do? Satan uses these tactics in me to take advantage of me. He is trying to manipulate me so that he can then seduce me into sin, which then repeats the cycle.
It doesn’t have to be this way, because have been given a pretty darn good intercessor, mediator, and protector who provides the only defense I have against those things; which is through the Truth.
The Truth is that I am forgiven.
The Truth is that I AM free. I am no longer living in the shame of my youth, I am no longer living in the darkness of my sin, that stifling darkness.
Jesus Christ died, was risen, and lives so that I can live and that I am no longer a slave to sin, but rather to righteousness.
WELL THEN I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF THAT!!!
Every day and every night….
As I go to the bathroom, as I drive my car, as I wake up and as I go back to bed. If I don’t remind myself, if I don’t “write it on the tablet of my heart” often, I tend to want to go back to Egypt, back to slavery, to the comforts of what I know, no matter how wretched and vile of a life it was….
I remind myself by reading the Word. By reaching out to other believers and truth tellers.
Prayer, meditation, worship… etc, easy, fun things that I seem to never do enough.
Disciplines; these disciplines free me from the lie that Satan loves to tell me, and that lie is that I am beyond saving, beyond grace, and still a wretch.
Pray that I remember the truth, that I continue practicing disciplines, and that I can persevere ESPECIALLY when I am on this trip. I need more prayer than money.
I need to remember Christ.
“Come now, let us settle the matter,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”
