There I was, end of month one, sitting on a cold hard tile floor in a room surrounded by 46 other people. Some of them I hardly knew, some were coaches, and some were my team mates. But what did that matter? I didn't want to share what I had been struggling with let alone my testimony with people I almost considered complete strangers. I knew something was about to happen through I could feel it there was a stirring in my spirit and I was becoming uncomfortable with the idea. Our night of sharing our vulnerabilities was coming to a close, I was panicking. "One more person can speak", she said. Not me I thought God would have to call me out before I opened my mouth. Someone else spoke up. . . relief. But then he called out someone else, they spoke up and asked a question of the squad. Before i knew it my hand was in the air and I was shaking my head yes answering the question I didn't want to answer. I WANTED TO GO HOME.
Hot tears ran down my checks, i could hardly catch my breath and words spilled out of my mouth. I no longer felt God, I didn't want to go on, I felt lost in the midst of it all, but more than that, I was at the end of myself. I was finally not strong enough to continue on. I spoke those words and then out spilled my testimony. . . rape, depression, anger, bitterness, years of darkness, years of feeling worthless, thoughts of suicide. It all came out and fell upon ears that would heard my story of brokenness. I had been living a marred life. I felt useless, destroyed, unworthy, unloved, that my beauty and innocence had been stolen and it had. What good was I? I was still in a battle for my life.
On that night however, I would find freedom. I was taken into the center of a battlefield, but I wasn't alone. I had 46 warriors fighting, battling for my life in an onslaught of prayers being voiced to the highest of heaven where God my Father was looking down on me bringing redemption. I was no longer to see myself as a marred woman, but as a woman marked, marked by the love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness of her heavenly father. I found the love of Christ in the arms of my new brothers and sisters who were battling for me! I would walk out of that room that night forever changed. There was no looking back on who I was or the things behind me for God has greater plans ahead of me.
God would also begin a restoration of my family. I shared with them my testimony, there would be no more secrets in my life. I longer for a real relationship with those closest to me and now was the time. I shared my past hurts and opened a new line of communication where I felt free to share all that God had done in my life. God was at work in not only my heart, but in the hearts and lives of my family.
When there is light brought to darkness and sin, the darkness cannot hide it any longer.
