This past month on the World Race has been one of the most challenging times of my life so far. Honestly, I can’t say I’m very surprised. They warned us about having to be vulnerable at training camp, and I really thought I was going to be able to do it no problem. Okay, no, there was definitely a problem. I didn’t know how to be vulnerable, heck, I don’t even really know how to spell it.
So in comes month one of the race… I have been put on a team of 5 girls (basically strangers) who have to figure out what it looks like to live in community and be vulnerable with each other in order to grow closer to each other and to God. And let me tell you, it’s one of the hardest things ever! I would rather go to the dentist and have all my teeth pulled than be vulnerable. I didn’t, and still really don’t, want to show people my struggles, my pain, my sins, or my suffering.
But here’s one thing I’ve learned. In order to bring healing and change, our inner pain, suffering, heartache, doubts, and sins have to be brought to the light. They have to be brought into the light because darkness cannot be found in the light. The devil wants us to keep all of these things in the darkness because that is where they fester and grow and consume us. The devil wants us to be so hardened that we cannot do ministry or we blow up at our teammates, or we just feel like the utter scum of the earth, which causes us to reject everything that the Lord is trying to heal and reveal in us. And let me tell you, I have felt all of those things over the past month. I have blown up at my team, I have hardened my myself to what God wants, and I have felt so just worthless and low that I didn’t want to do anything but wallow in my self pity.
But you know what? That’s okay. Let me tell you why I say that. I say that because even though I have messed up and will continue to mess up, God will NEVER leave me. He loves me more than I can ever imagine. He loves me despite my doubt, my hardened heart, my struggle to be vulnerable, even with Him, and all of the other junk that’s inside me.
Living life in community and in community with Jesus is a process. My process will look different than everyone else’s and that’s okay. I don’t need to be perfect, I don’t need to be fixed right this instant. During the past month I have been reminded over and over again, that I don’t need to be fixed. Yes, I need to work through things with the Lord, but right this instant I am right where I need to be. I am the perfect person for this moment. I have to trust God that I am here for a purpose and I have to trust God that the people around me aren’t going to see me any different no matter what I am vulnerable about. I am here to work through my pain and suffering and I am here to learn how to be vulnerable.
I am here to become the daughter of God who I am meant to be…and I couldn’t be more excited for the long journey ahead, despite how hard it is going to be.
