So this is a follow up blog to my last one about my doubts and heart on the race.
I just want to say a couple things regarding my last blog. They’re simple things that I need to say about where I was and what I became.
1. My heart hardened toward God.
Whoa. I didn’t realize that had happened until I was talking with our squad coach about what was happening. She told me that when you let your mind run with things like this and really don’t address them with others or God himself, you spiral into a place of hardness. And let me tell you, and if you read my last blog you know this, I was so so hardened toward God and everything having to do with him.
2. I became a version of myself that I hate.
Honestly, over the course of those three months in Africa, I became grumpy, even lazier than I had been, pissy, judgmental, and just downright mean. This is a version of myself that I never want to be. This is what I look like when I’m not dwelling and being filled by the presence of the Lord. I remember getting so angry at one of my teammates and yelling at her over something that was pointless and not even true. I was acting like a two year old throwing a tantrum. She asked me in the moment and the next day why I was so angry about nothing and I told her that I didn’t have a clue. That argument was me reverting back to my old self, my stupid self.
3. I’m lazy.
Often I choose not to do anything about anything. I choose to do other things than be motivated to be in God’s presence. So in the next 4 months and my whole life I will be striving to not be lazy. I will strive to make it a habit and discipline to sit with the Lord and just feel his presence. A preacher I heard said this about getting closer to God when you’re not feeling his presence. He said, “Go and sit in God’s presence and don’t leave until you feel it.” So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to try harder and have people keep me accountable.
One small thing, that blog was a bit dramatic (I know this. Just ask my family, I have a flair for the dramatic.) but it was honestly what I was feeling and sometimes you just need to let things out in a safe place (although maybe the Internet isn’t the safest, lol) so you can begin to process and have people help you with your stuff.
So going forward, I am choosing to finally make an effort. I am choosing to believe that God is good all the time. I am choosing to believe that he never leaves me, I am the one who leaves him. I am choosing to believe that he wants to be close to me. I am choosing to work through these issues with my team and my community. I am choosing to do something about the way I’m feeling and so far it’s been great. I have a feeling that these last 4 months of the race and the rest of my life is going to be amazing…with some ups and downs of course, because that’s life.
Thanks for all the support and love in this rough time. Love you all! Mean it!!
