Let me be straight up with you before I go any further. I don’t want to be writing this blog, but I have a story…well multiple stories that need to be told and shared. This isn’t about me anymore. This is about God and the healing power that I experienced.
I went onto the race expecting to see healings right and left. As the months went on, I saw nothing. Yes, I saw people coming to God and accepting him as their Savior but there weren’t healings. There were so many times when we would go out and pray for healings but, as far as I know, there weren’t any.
Then Mozambique came around. There was one day when we pulled over on the side of the road and prayed for about 75 different people. Yes, there were healings that day but because of the hardness of my heart, I was just annoyed that we were on the side of the road for 2 hours. I saw the healings with my eyes but I did not experience them with my heart. I didn’t give credit where credit was due. I was angry.
Fast forward to the beginning of my month in Thailand. I had food poisoning…again…for the second time that month… Once again, I was angry. I was angry that I had been sick in some sort of way every single month of the race. I was tried from having to get up every hour on the overnight, two-story bus that was racing and swaying through the mountains. I was pissed. So like I do when I’m pissed, I sat on my bed and cried my eyes out. Then one of my squad-mates and best friends came up to me and let me cry to her and then she prayed healing over me. From that point on for the rest of the race I was never sick but I was still struggling to acknowledge that Jesus had actually healed me.
So what brings me to write this blog???
The two months after coming home from the race until now have been a couple of the hardest months of my life. I have been on the struggle bus in so many ways. Heck, I’m pretty sure I own the struggle bus company!! Never in my life have I been at such a spiritual rock bottom. I’m there. I’m in the bottom of a pit. I have no desire to seek God. I have no desire to be around people who care for me and love me. I have no desire to do anything.
It wasn’t until I came to Project Searchlight (PSL), that I realized that there was a ladder hanging there in the pit with me the whole time. I had been so wrapped up in self-pity, self-destruction, and a “who gives a crap” attitude that I was blind to see what was right in front of me. Being back in the community during my time at PSL that I have come to love so fiercely and who has supported me in so many ways that I can’t even begin to write it all, has reminded me of how much I am loved and cared for by others and by God. My need and want for the Father has been replenished. I have hope for miracles, my eyes are open to the good that God has for me, and how he wants a relationship with me.
Heck, I was even healed from an ovarian cyst the other day! (I’m pretty sure God is seeing me write that and thinks, “eeh, no big deal”). He showed up when I didn’t think he was anywhere near me and when I didn’t believe that he could heal me. What a small-minded thought?! God cares for me in ways that I cannot even understand. He loves me no matter what I am feeling towards him or towards myself. I believe that I have come to such a low place that I think that there is nowhere to go but up. And I’m actually freaking stoked about that! My desire for an intimate relationship with the Father was reignited at PSL. Yea, my Race may have been a difficult season, but I think that I went through all that I did on my race so that I could be redeemed and reminded of God’s love once again in a place that I feel safe in and in a place that I love.
So going forward, I am going to cast off the laziness and lack of motivation and get right with God. He wants me!!!!! Oh man, I can’t wait to see what the future holds for me, because I know that no matter what, I’m trusting in God and letting him be the guide of my life.
