For me it was true what they say….the middle three months are the slump months. I hate to admit it but they are/were. The slump life is real. Doesn’t help that 2 out of the 3 months there was very little ministry happening and they just plain sucked. There’s no other way to describe it. Yes, there are obviously great parts about the months. For example, I love my team and the joy they bring me, we lived with Americans that could cook like no one’s business in Botswana, I saw Victoria Falls, I survived and got used to bathing out of a bucket…that list could really go on forever. So why you ask then were these three months such a slump….well let me tell you…
Honestly I’m over the race. I’m tired of being around the same 35 people all the time. I’m tired of the over spiritualization of every little thing. I’m tired of not believing in God. I’m tired of waking up and not knowing whether I would believe in God that day or not. So you’re probably thinking, that isn’t possible, but let me tell you. Even in supposedly the most spiritual year of my life, I still doubt whether I even believe in a God. It’s easy to. It’s easy to go through the day or even the month without opening your Bible or taking real quiet time with God. I know because I’ve done it.
The question that runs through my head almost daily is this: how can I be effective for a kingdom that I don’t even know what I believe about it? This trip has turned into more than just me trying to bring souls to Jesus. It’s turned into trying to bring my soul to Jesus. And I have to say, it hasn’t been the most successful. I think the strangest thing is this: I believe in God with my head, but not with my heart. I know in my mind I have the authority to do work for God’s kingdom but in my heart is a different story. It’s true about the 18-Inch journey from your head to your heart being the hardest.
I wish I could say that this is something that is new in my life, but it’s not. I can remember in college, thinking and saying this exact thing. I just don’t know if God really exists. I have been almost constantly questioning God since I really took my faith on as my own, which really has only been about 6 years now. But honestly, since coming on the race it’s gotten out of control. I’m here in worship thinking, “how could I have become someone who barely believes in God on a kingdom focused mission trip?” I wish every single second of everyday I knew the answer to this. But I don’t. Because I don’t understand how this can even happen. Because I can’t get past the frustration and doubt to begin to process where or when this actually began.
The World Race talks a lot about “root issues” and now that I’m kind of thinking about it, I think it comes from one of mine: abandonment. In this moment I feel abandoned by a God that doesn’t care to even look my way. Why would he? I don’t even know if he’s real, so why would he want to even look my way? Why would he want me? In my life I feel like I have been abandoned by so many people, so why wouldn’t God be the same? I never talk to him or spend time with him so why would he want to talk to me or spend time with me.
So there’s my problem. I don’t give the God I barely believe in the time of day. And I know it. I see it around me. People filled with an unexplainable joy and freedom that I don’t have. These are the people who are intentional with God. They want to be with God, they want to spend time with him, they want him to know every part of him. But I don’t. I can’t make myself do it. I’m lazy and unmotivated to do anything about it. And I HATE it. I hate I feel this way. I hate that I can’t humble myself to let him come into my life in the way that he wants to. I hate that I can’t motivate myself. I hate that I feel jealous about a relationship that I can actually have. I hate that most days I suck at following Jesus.
But I’ll be damned if I don’t do something to change it (quite literally too). So in the coming days I will process this with my community and I’m praying, to a God, I sorta believe in, ok that I do believe in, that I’ll work this out. I hope that this is the last time I’ll struggle with this, but I think satan knows this is a weak point for me so it probably won’t be the last time. But honestly, I think God’s got my back.
