August 2,2013
It's strange to think that I have spent an entire year without my mom. I don't wish this on anyone. This year has been the worst year of my life. I miss my mom on daily basis and some days it's on an hourly basis.
I'm so far away from home today and all I want to do is be at home. I want my normal dependable support system. Not because the people I'm with are undependable but because my support system at home knows all of me and I don't have to explain my life to them. I miss my family today.
I'm so very heart broken. I miss so much about her. I miss her voice. I wish I could hear her say something one more time. Anything! I miss her soft skin as I would lay in her lap and she would play with my hair. I wish she could hug me one more time. Just once and tell me everything was going to be alright. I just miss her.
Today I am sad. I want to move on and not be so sad. And most of the time I succeed in that. Overall, I am moving on and I can remember her and smile but the past few days have been hard. It's been hard to be so far from home at such a hard time. But I know that God has called me here. I was once asked if I was out on the mission field and missing home and not wanting to be there what would keep me doing it and staying where I was at. Now, at the time I didn't really have the best answer. But now I do. Now I know that when you are in Gods will and you know without a doubt that He has called you there… That's what keeps you there when things get hard and you want to go home.
I had this crazy nightmare last month about being on a latter that is bending and someone on the ground told me to stay there and don't move. At the time it wasn't clear what that dream was about. Now I understand. I wanted so badly to go home this weekend. Just for a few days to be with my family at a hard time in life. But I know I wasn't supposed to. I was supposed to stay here and depend on God and the people around me.
I don't know why I'm supposed to be here instead of home. Or why I am called to be here on this amazing adventure at all. All I do know is that if I don't follow God than I'm not in his will and if I'm not in his will than I'm not as safe as I would like to think.
It's like in the book of Ester when she fears going before the king because he could and is likely to kill her if she does but Mordecai tells her that God's plan will be done with or without her help. But if she doesn't follow God's plan she will be in way more danger than if she goes before the king with God. Basically Mordecai tells her that the Israelites are going to be killed and Ester is an Israelite. So she won't be spared if this happens.
This is how I feel now. I know that God is with me and has a plan for me here but if I were to go home I would miss what God has for me here and that would be tragic. So here I am following what God has for me.
What that is, I don't know but I open to what ever He has in store.
BRING IT ON!
