As I have had time to process, and by process I mean try and figure out what the heck happened at training camp, I think I am starting to make a little sense of it.
When I wrote my first blog about training camp this is what I was feeling and wanted to say, but I had one of those moments where I couldn't put words to my feelings.
So here it goes….
I had a hard time at training camp, I actually think I hated it.
I went in having read blog after blog and having spent hours daydreaming about training camp, about all of the beautiful things that were going to happen, the people I was going to meet and become instant best friends with, and I knew, I just absolutely knew that when I left I was going to be counting down the hours until we launched.
Guess what?
That is not what happened.
Training camp was full of beautiful things, but they were those kind that come all wrapped up in lessons, challenges and trials.
I came out with people that I am so excited to continue to get to know, but I didn't come home with 70 new best friends that I talk on the phone with every night and know everything about( now that I say that out loud that was a pretty intense expectation that I had for the week).
Oh and as far as counting down the hours until launch…it looks a little bit more like clinging to every hour that I have left in this last month before launch.
I think one of the reason this happened is because I had all of the things that I use to "keep me okay" ripped away.
One of the sayings that I heard over and over and over again at Training Camp was not to have expectations. I came in with expectations and they were crushed.
1. I'm okay if I feel and look put together. AKA my hair is done, my make-up looks great and I have a semi-trendy outfit on.
Naturally this is how I showed up to training camp. I had put tons of thought into packing the perfect things. Things that were not only functional but cute and trendy as well. I even woke up to straighten my hair and perfect my make-up before my 6am flight from LAX. Oh and yes the make-up and straightener made the cut for what were "necessities" to be packed for training camp.
Well what I didn't realize is that Georgia is humid. That is actually an understatement…..Georgia is HUMID! It was hot, it was humid, there were daily thunderstorms and I was hiking with 50 pounds on my back and sleeping in a tent. So as you can imagine make-up and straight hair were NOT even an option. Oh and clothes…I lived in running shorts, whatever shirt didn't smell and neon tennis shoes.
2. I'm okay if I am leading, because that is what I have done since my sophomore year in college. That is what I do.
I was a RA for 2 years in college, A representative in Student Government, leader of the Children's ministry at my Church and I was in charge of 20 teenage girls and their children at my job at a group home.
If I am completely honest, going into training camp the idea of being a team leader was very appealing to me. I would never say that that is what I wanted out loud, but that is what I wanted. I'm not a team leader.
3. I'm okay if everybody knows and likes me.
I have a handful of friends and they are fantastic. For the past 5 years, and for some even longer, I have done everything with these people. To say that they know me is an understatement. They can look at me and know something is wrong, they get my humor, they can pretty much predict what I am going to say and how I am going to react to things, they know my flaws and I rarely have to explain anything to them because we have probably already talked about it. They know me inside and out….they know the good, bad, ugly and beautiful things about me and they love me through every single one of those things. I am comfortable around these people.
Training camp was full of wonderful people , but they didn't know anything about me. For me this puts me in win them over mode, a mode I hadn't had to be in for a while. A mode where you do, say and be whatever it is to win them over so that they like you. I forgot how exhausting this mode was. I don't like it one bit.
I knew I didn't like being in win them over mode and didn't want that to be part of my Training Camp experience so in an attempt to avoid that I somehow became very quiet and almost stand offish.
I wasn't used to that and I didn't like that at all.
So it is safe to say that Training Camp was not the experience that I expected and definitely a little less then pleasant.
When I got home form training camp I was telling my best friend Tiffany how God literally took everything away from me that I use to "be okay". Everything that I hide behind and find my worth in.
She told me one of the most brilliant things ever, "Isn't it beautiful how well God knows you? He knows you so well that he knows exactly what you need."
That is SO true. Jesus knows me so well, and loves me enough to take the things that I cling to, so that He can remove those things and replace them with better things, with freedom.
He knew I wasn't going to let those things go on my own so He used this training camp experience to take them away from me.
At first I was so mad, because I didn't like the way being out of my comfort zone felt, it was uncomfortable. It hurt. It felt lonely. It was scary. It was hard. It wasn't fun.
I am now so excited though, because I know that Jesus is ripping those things away and is going to replace them with things that are from Him. I mean getting rid of the need to be physically put together all the time, the need to do whatever it takes to get people to like me and the need to get my worth from leading…well that sounds like a HUGE weight off of my shoulders. That sounds great. That sounds more like the freedom Jesus wants for me.
The things I thought made me okay….they don't. Instead they add a giant to-do list to my life that will never get completed.
In reality I am beautiful without any make-up, crazy hair and sweatpants, because he created me the way he wanted to.
There are times for me to lead and there are times for me to be led, and that doesn't affect how valuable I am.
People will love the real me more than the fake me that is trying to earn their approval, because people respect honesty and realness.
Sometimes it takes Jesus ripping away the things we think we need so that he can clear our eyes and give us something so so so much better.
Thank you Jesus, for doing that at training camp. I am excited to keep journeying on this adventure.
One last thing: It's okay not to be okay. Think about it.
Training Camp Highlights!
