About two weeks ago we had our PVT trip where our parents were able to come out for a week and join us in Nicaragua doing ministry and reconnecting with us. Our last two nights we had racers & parents share ways in which they’ve changed. They shared ways in which God had worked on them in the past 7 months while we’ve been away.
During this week I began to think about ways in which I’ve changed over the past 7 months. The things that were once foreign to me are now normal. It was funny to see parents going through the same culture shock we went through 7 months ago, yet now, it’s just our daily lives. I’m used to being one of the only white people in the street, I almost don’t even see it anymore. I’m used to having no idea what people are saying in their language, but love abounds. I’m used to seeing poverty in front of my eyes, I’m used to seeing people living in shacks and kids in tattered clothing. The things that once shocked me, I know all too well to be true. I now see when I’m blessed with warm water for a shower and good pressure, it’s not a right, it’s a blessing. When I have a real toilet and paper, it’s a blessing. When I have a bed, I’m ecstatic. But most of all I’ve realized that joy comes from the Lord, and not in how much you have. It was cool to see our parents coming to these same realizations, having seen some things with their own eyes.
The biggest thing that the race has allowed me to do is realize who God says I am. Before the race I realized that I found my affirmation in others. I longed for them to tell me that they were proud, that I was worth it, that I was enough, that I was smart, good, pretty, and the list goes on. I’ve always known who God says I am, but I never heard him say it to be before. Then I began to understand how to listen for God’s voice, and I heard him say,
“Jillian, why do you seek your affirmation from others when you need to find who you are in me?”
God began speaking to me about who I really am. He stopped me in my tracks when I realized I wasn’t longing for his affirmation, and when he would say it I didn’t believe it. It almost wasn’t good enough to hear it from him, that I wanted to hear it from others too. But God continued to speak, he continued to tell me how loved I was, how cherished I was, how beautiful I was, how enough I was, and how much of a daughter I was.
I remember sitting in Swaziland listening for God to speak and hearing him tell me over and over again that I was loved, and worth it.
I think it was after that point that I began to realize that I wasn’t living in who God says I am. I sought affirmation from others. I found myself comparing and not being myself because I wanted to be liked, loved, and worth it. I would hold back my true self because I was afraid that I wouldn’t be enough for people. That I wouldn’t be funny enough, smart enough, cool enough, just enough. I held back because I didn’t really understand what God was saying to me when he did.
But then it clicked, I am his freaking daughter. I am royalty. I am loved. I am enough. I am smart. I am beautiful. I am funny. I am everything he created me to be. That’s what he says about me. It’s a beautiful thing when one truly understands whose you are, who he created you as, and you begin to walk in that. I found confidence in myself knowing that if my affirmation didn’t come from others, than I could be who I am because I already know God loves me.
I found out who God says I am, and that has totally changed my world, and I know because of that I’ll never be the same. That’s just one way in how this race has changed me. I can’t wait to see how else the Lord wants to rock my world in the next 4 months. Life in Jesus is always fun, if it’s not, you’re not doing it right.
