So back in Costa Rica, I struggled. It was one of those months, where I was just tired. I lost motivation, drive, and desire. I was exhausted from traveling, I was sick of only having cold showers, I was sick of being bitten by foreign bugs that made me swell up. I missed home, I missed things that made me comfortable. I feared evangelism because I was uncomfortable, and didn’t feel like I had anything left to give.
It seemed like everyone was figuring out what they were doing when they got home, and I had been praying for months about that with still no answers. Normally I don’t care about the future too much, I’m a very present person. But, that month it bothered me. I started comparing myself to people with their gifts and talents. I started comparing how they had the next season of their lives being confirmed by the Lord, and no one was confirming anything for me. I didn’t feel like I was doing anything by being there and I had nothing to contribute.
Then toward the end of the month, we did an exercise where we asked God what he wanted us to ask him. I thought that seemed like such a strange exercise, I figured he’d probably say something like, “do you know I love you?” and I’d be like “yeah, obviously.”
So I sat down to “ask” God, and I heard him say a lot, and not what I thought he was going to say.
“What do you want in life?” He asked.
I thought for a minute, “Honestly, all I want is joy, and peace. I want to be with you, and be victorious for your kingdom.” I said.
“If that’s all you desire, with me, you can do anything.”
He asked, “Jillian, what are you willing to do for me?”
“Anything God!” Was my response. “I’m mean I’m here doing this trip, I’ll travel anywhere, I’ll become a missionary, a lawyer, an event planner, I’ll go whenever you tell me. I’m willing to give up my comforts, and all of my stuff.”
Then he said, “are you willing to give up your future? Are you willing to sit still? Think about the things you don’t want to do, would you do them for me? What if I asked you to stay home?” He said.
I was kind of shocked, “But….I don’t want to sit still, you’ve been calling lots of people back into the ministry field. I could do that, I love to travel. Tell me to become a missionary, I can do that! Or tell me to become a lawyer, that’s exciting. But don’t make me sit at home, and live a boring life. I don’t want to do that.”
“What if I called you to the most boring life, and you never left again, would that be enough?“
“….Because of you, yes.” I said.
“I need you to need me more than you need to know what you’re doing. I have a plan for you, just wait and see.” He said.
“If I have you, I’ll be happy, you are all I want Jesus.”
That conversation (and many others) have helped me give up my expectations of knowing what I’m suppose to be doing next. It’s Him I need, more than anything else.
In 20 days I’ll be headed back to the states and I still don’t know what I’ll be doing when I get there, but I do know that whatever I do, as long as I’m living for the Lord it’s what I should be doing. Throughout this race, I feel like I’ve grown closer to the Lord than ever before. I realized I wanted to come on this trip to love people the way I know God loves me, but what I didn’t expect is to realize how much I love him and how much I desire to know him more.
Over the course of the race, I’m come to see how truly simple life is. I’ve often cared too much about what people thought I should do. The world seems so caught up in what’s next and how to get success, but what I’ve come to realize is that all I want is Jesus. It’s that simple. No matter what I do, or where I am, all that matters when I die is how I lived for him. That’s what I’m going to do getting off the race. So no, I don’t know where I’m going to be working, but yes, I do know what I’m going to be doing. That’s loving him, and living my life in service of him.
So let me ask you the same thing God asked me, Are you willing to let go of your expectations? Are you willing to do the things He calls you too, because you love him more than anything else? Are you willing to let go, so you can let God? Is he the thing you want most?
