Two weeks ago, I was pretty low. Coming out of our fast, I found myself face to face with old struggles of insecurity and comparison to a degree that I haven’t felt since before the Race. I didn’t know what to do with the thoughts in my head, even though I knew deep down that I was being fed lies. Yet they were powerful lies and I felt helpless to defeat them, overwhelmed by the ugliness of my own heart and why I was back in this place again. I was frustrated, confused, and ashamed… I began to withdraw from some of my teammates, spending more time alone in my tent (which is not normal for me at all!), journaling and praying, and still I was stuck in the muck.
I was still trying to pull out of this mix of emotions, frustration, and disappointment with myself when my squad leader, Priscilla, pulled me aside to talk to me. I was honestly a bit nervous that she was going to call me out on how I’d been acting. What she had to say instead caught me completely off-guard.
“Jill, you’ve been on my heart for the past few months…” she began, listing off qualities that she and the other squad leaders saw in me and building me up with words of encouragement. Then she began, “So I want to ask you –”
I didn’t let her finish. Like an overwhelming wave, the realization of what she was about to say hit hard and I could not withhold my shock and alarm.
“Oh NO!!!” I exclaimed.
Sure enough, it was a call to step into team leadership this coming month. I spent the next few hours alone on the roof of the church, my mind a whirl of thoughts, fears, amazement. All of it overflowing in an abundance of tears.
Who, me???
Lord, I just proved to myself and You how fleshly and immature I still am, and I haven’t even resolved things, and You’re calling me UP?
I told Him in no uncertain terms that I never asked for this, that I never wanted it. I told Him that I feel safe and content to follow, that I am scared of the responsibility that He is inviting me into. At the same time, I knew deep down that He’s been preparing my heart for this. I knew it was time to get out of my comfort zone, to step into new challenge and be in a place where I am desperate and dependent on Him every day.
I knew that His call was simple – whether I had asked for it, wanted it, felt capable of it, or NOT, He was asking me to OBEY.
So here’s the deal: The guys from our team will be joining with the guys from team Intimate Grace, spending August in South Sudan for a month of “man-istry”. The four of us women will be joining with the amazing women of their team, Missy, Julie, and Amanda.
Talk about being humbled. I am still in disbelief at God’s grace and favor. I’m wowed at the thought of the team I’ll be leading – all of these women have been such a huge blessing in my life so far on the Race. They are sisters and friends who have spoken life into me time and time again, and are passionate in seeking the Lord’s heart. It is a privilege and honor to think that God has called me to lead them into the growth and healing He has for us this coming month. I get chills of excitement still when I think about it!
God’s grace is amazing. It is beyond bounds, appears in the moments we least expect it, pulls us out of ourselves into a bigger story. I don’t get it. I am awed by it.
I am in love with its Giver.
Team Waka Waka at the equator on a road trip to Lake Victoria!
