It’s December. Meaning, I leave in just over a month. And while that should be an incredibly exciting thought, I must admit that it has been ripping my heart in pieces! I did not apply for the World Race to run away, and I cannot say that in going, I have nothing to lose! Right now, it feels like I have everything to lose! My heart is here, the people I love are here, everything is here…
But that is where I’m wrong. In the midst of inner conflict and turmoil, asking myself, “What do I love most? What do I want most? What do I want to spend my life doing?� I realized the one thing that it all comes down to, one answer, so, so simple…
Jesus.
Ultimately, what does it matter what I want, or think I want, in this life… other than Him? No matter where I go, no matter what I do, He is with me! And when He leads, His call is irresistible. When He speaks, I know who I am and what I am made for. As my friend prayed over me a couple months ago, I want to know that wherever He is, that is my place, the place where I belong!
Yesterday was the last night of dorm Bible studies at PSU for the quarter. After study, my co-leaders announced that we were going down to the study floor in the dorm to pray for students studying. It seemed a little strange to me, but I went along with it. All the while my heart was sinking as it hit in heavier and heavier waves that this was it, the last meeting, and how that heck was I supposed to say goodbye??? A couple of my friends prayed, and as they did I felt the tears coming…
Oh no! I need to say something to them! I need to tell them how much I love them! And now I’m just gonna be a mess…
I had my head deeply buried in my arms, as well as Becca’s arms around me, when the prayer came to an abrupt “Amen� and I couldn’t bear to lift my face! Laughter began to surround me and someone said, “Jill! You should look up now…� With tears streaming down my cheeks I finally lifted my head… only to be met by dozens of smiling faces that hadn’t been there five minutes before! My heart did a somersault as stunned laughter overcame tears.
For the next hour, I was overwhelmed by more love than seems possible. As my brothers and sisters shared stories and then prayed over me, I could only marvel at God’s unspeakable goodness to me. How little I deserve and how much He has given! Who am I to be so loved and blessed and honored? All I am I owe to Him.
When I started my car late that night to drive home, the first words to come from my radio were the words that I used for this title, perfectly timed. “Cuz what if Your blessings come through raindrops, what if Your healing comes through tears…â€� In my tears, in my loss, in the sadness of goodbye, God gave me something more beautiful than I could have imagined: the gift of my community. And I realize now that this is not the end. This is not goodbye. This is looking ahead to a future of hope and to relationships that I pray and believe will last the rest of our lives. This is knowing that wherever I go, I am loved and supported by my family of brothers and sisters, and that means more than words can ever say. Even greater, though, is the sound of my Father’s voice and the smile on His face when He says, “You are my beloved daughter, in whom I am well-pleased!â€� As I cried yet again, and reflected back on the night, I felt such a sense of His presence and love over me. As if He was saying, “It brings me so much pleasure to make you so happy!”Sometimes we must give up something precious to reach for something greater. This season at Portland State has been a priceless time in my life. But more priceless than anything else in this world is my Lord and Savior. As hard as it is sometimes, I realize that anything I have to give up in this life is worth losing to gain Him. And I must, and will, and gladly let go of the things I hold most dear, in order to gain the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord! (Philippians 3:8)
-Song lyrics from Blessings by Laura Story 🙂
-Image from http://good-wallpapers.com/pictures/6884/raindrops-ipad-wallpaper.jpg
