Journal entry from Monday morning… deep breath! Here goes!
Something is stirring. There is so much more for us, but it's not big and obvious and glamorous – I feel like the more is humility. As I search my own heart, I can anticipate myself going home from the Race and glorying in all the things I've done and seen, all the experiences I've had… That is the big reason that I keep wanting to go home: I've done enough. If I was trying to prove something, I've proved it. Everyone at home is impressed. I've loved orphans, I've worked hard, I've taken leaps of faith, I've spoken life and loved my team, I've even team led for two and a half months now… I could go home and revel in the attention I receive and the praise and respect for what I've done this year…
…Is that really my heart?
Maybe it is, and if so I want to expose it right now. I want to repent. I want to be broken and humbled by the things I've seen, the lives that have touched mine, the lives that God has touched through me. I want the knowledge that God has used me this year to be a point of profound humility rather than pride. How could that make me proud??? When I look at myself, my own glaring weakness and fickle flesh, how humbled must I be? Who am I? Do I believe tht I have traveled the world this year and poured out loved because of the amazing woman I am? When at this very moment, I would rather stay in this air-conditioned room and sit on this bed sipping coffee, then to go pour out love to orphans who have practically nothing and are starved for attention and love?
And yet, in that comes another snare – guilting myself into finishing this year strong. There is something more! Something that will wake me up each day and ground me in the present moment. At last debrief, Betsy and Randy (our squad coaches who continually pray for us and pour into us like parents) told us, "If you put your head down and shift into survival mode, something dies. You can't thrive if you're deciding to survive."
It's hard to take one day at a time when I start thinking about the end, about home, about my family, about my room with my sisters and coffee in the mornings with my mom and running in the crisp winter air on the country roads around Canby. Or hiking in the gorge with my dad, and listening to my bro play guitar in the living room… Or sushi and movie night with the Dodges… and Christmas in Oregon…
But what do I really want? All that sounds like a beautiful fantasy right now. But it's not. And when I'm there, won't I dream of being here?
What I want is to wake up every morning for the rest of my life and savor the moment, the place I am, the gift of today. There will never ever be another Monday, October 8, 2012, every again. (Thanks, Brandon Pike, for when you shared that concept years ago at devos in soccer… I haven't forgotten!) And even though today is a blip, a moment, a drop in the grand bucket of eternity, it is also HUGE. It is the only TODAY. The moment and drop and blip that I am called to focus on and live in is today. I am blessed to be given today, because today might change someone's life for eternity.
a glimpse into Cambodia ministry and life (photo by Katie) 🙂
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That's the main part I want you all to hear. Here's the bonus section (I'll finish typing up my journal entry for those who are still interested and want to keep reading… 🙂
So what am I thankful for today? I am thankful for this moment, to journal, pray, be. I am thankful for coffee and my nose ring and the bracelets on my wrist that remind me I am loved. I am thankful for my team and their hearts and their pursuit of the Lord and the Spirit. I am thankful for the ways they are teaching me to see differently and opening my eyes to new perspectives. I am thankful for health, for a supermarket in walking distance, for a ministry contact who gives us so much freedom, serves us, appreciates us, and never guilts us. I'm thankful for waking up to sunlight streaming in my window this morning. I'm thankful for a family that I want to go home to, that I miss so much. I'm thankful for a squad who knows me and loves me. I'm thankful for relationships with my brothers like I never thought I'd have.
I'm thankful for grace. I'm thankful for a God who's desire is not that I strive, but that I thrive. I'm thankful for a Savior who models what leadership should look like – He loves unconditionally, never lays guilt trips on me, doesn't need me or depend on me, and serves me in humility when I should be the one serving Him…
photo credit: http://www.cocorioko.net/?p=26534
You guys, all I know right now is that I am so blessed and it is nothing I've earned. A week ago I felt like one of the most miserable people on planet earth. I wanted to drop out of leadership, I wanted to be home, I wanted to quit.
With that, can I challenge you? Wherever you are, whatever you're up against, wherever you'd rather be, God has placed you exactly in this moment. Ask Him to show you the beauty of it. Thank Him for the blessings you can spot in your life, no matter how small or trivial they seem. Be in awe! It will shift your entire atmosphere!
