I approach this blog with a bit of a quickening heartbeat, which makes me feel quite ridiculous and childish in some ways. Honestly, I’m not sure I want to admit the things that I am about to relate. But I am resolved that I will be as raw and transparent with you all as possible in these entries, so here goes!
Last week, in preparation for January’s departure, I got my hair cut! This was not just a trim – this was all out, full-committal. Twelve inches falling away in an instant, and I was holding in my hands the evidence of an irreversible story. That morning I had taken one last look at my long hair and thought that I wouldn’t mind at all, that it would be no big deal. But with the deed done, I freaked out just a little bit.
Ok, to be more honest, I freaked out a lot.
What if my friends hate it? What if everyone feels awkward around me now? What if it takes forever to grow out and in the meantime, people treat me differently as a result?
Yes, I know that I was being absolutely absurd in my thinking. But the possibilities seemed very real! I was afraid to see my friends for the first time, afraid of their responses, afraid that the change in my hair would change the way they viewed me.
I had no idea how much power my long hair had over my image of myself. I had no idea that I cared so much!
But to be completely honest, I did have an idea prior to this of just how hard I work to please the people around me and make everyone happy. It is the very thing God has been showing me, inviting me to let go of and leave behind. And boy is that hard to do! I am addicted to the approval of others. I spend endless energy and effort to make people like me. And if there’s anything that the Father is telling me right now, it is this…
“My daughter, stop it! You do not need the approval of people. You are loved. You are valued. No matter what your hair looks like, no matter what you’re wearing, no matter whether you are needed and surrounded by people who love you, or completely alone and forgotten by them, you can remain absolutely, totally complete and secure in My love! It is not their approval that defines you – it is Mine. It is not their love that fulfills you – it is Mine! Do you believe Me?â€�
At training camp, we declared our freedom from the chains and lies that have kept us bound. I remember clearly the effort it took to shout out into the woods of Georgia, standing with my brother and sisters as witnesses, “I am not a slave to what people think of me!� Then again, louder, with authority and tears, “I AM NOT A SLAVE TO WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME!�
Yet I choose out of the freedom that I claimed in Georgia. I choose back into the man-pleasing habit, the consuming desire to win the approval of others, until it drives my actions and words, and even my thoughts.
Reading stories about Jesus’ life on earth can be frightening at times. He must have been one of the most unconventional and non-conforming figures in all of history! A couple days ago, I gawked a bit as I read about how He allowed a prostitute to wash His feet with her hair while He was having dinner with Simon, a religious leader! (Luke 6:36-50). On top of that, He tells his host in so many words that this woman loves Him more than Simon does, and adds, “Your sins are forgiven� in response to the woman’s act of affection.
And I am left wondering how many times I’ve overlooked someone or turned a cold shoulder in an effort to impress “Simon�. But is it Simon’s approval that I really want? Or the Father’s?
“Are you ready to let go of your need and desire to please others? Can I cut it off now? Are you ready to give up the approval of others in order to gain My approval? Just say the word! You won’t regret it!�
And certainly I will not regret it. I love my new haircut! And I love what it has come to represent. I am not a slave to what people think of me. No, I am a slave to the extravagant, mind-blowing love of Christ!
