Father, place Your words in my mouth. Place Your fire in my heart. Place Your breath in my lungs.
My heart aches tonight. Watching human suffering, seeing life fade into death, sensing another's pain through hollow laughter and empty words… All of it makes me want to question God's love, yet isn't that an unthinkable thing to do? I am still in the United States with more than four months between me and the beginning of my race, yet here and now there is already pain, sorrow, longing, need. What haunts me most is the thought of the eternity without Him that some are walking into, and I cannot comprehend that reality. It is too harsh for me to fathom. In the same moment, I am pained and angry at the injustice that overshadows so many lives. My prayer of thanks to God for His lavished blessings on me catches in my throat. I have done nothing to deserve those blessings, and yet many whom I care about deeply do not know what it is to rest in Jesus' love and feel His peace. Why should I be given such a beautiful family, a warm, peaceful home, and so many friends who exemplify Christ's love to me? Why should I feel so secure and blessed when others are alone and without hope, living a lie because they don't know that they can be real and honest and broken at the feet of Jesus? All I can do is look at my beautiful Savior's face, and at that sight I know I must still trust Him even when I cannot understand.
One week ago I wrote in my journal the lyrics to a song that touched me deeply at church. "So many songs I've sung, but there's none more beautiful than You. And here I've found myself, so I'm happy to be lost in You." When everything inside me feels like chaos and turmoil, when my limited understanding only leaves me more confused, and when my heart is breaking and there are not even words to describe why, I will cling to my Jesus! He is the Who, the How, and the Why of my existence. He is the only place I truly find myself. He is the reason I will get out of bed tomorrow morning, and enter a new day with anticipation. And He Himself is my blessing, my joy, my peace, my hope.
Because of Him, there is hope for each of my friends who rest heavy on my heart. There is hope for every person who faces death and eternity, and there is hope for every lonely and haunted soul. I know this is true! And after these nights of sleeplessness and sorrow and heartache, I will wake up with renewed hope and joy because my God is the God who saves!
So tonight, I write in my journal, "Peace." There are answers, though I do not know them now. There is hope, though I do not see its fulfillment yet. There is a new day tomorrow, and there is a God who redeems from the pit and brings beauty from ashes. And as He works His miracles, He asks me to simply be still in His presence, and wait patiently for him to act (Psalm 37:7).
