Jesus said to Simon,
"Don't be afraid! From now on you'll be fishing for people!"
And as soon as they landed, they left everything and followed Jesus.
Luke 5:10-11
This last week was a week of great fear for me.
Earlier this summer, I was so certain that I felt God's call to volunteer with Intervarsity at Portland State this fall. It seemed the perfect opportunity to fill the gaping space of time prior to my big departure in January. Over the past couple years, my heart has fallen head-over-heels in love with this city, but much more specifically, with this university and the thousands of students who come and go every day on campus. I love this place; I love every coffee shop and tree-shaded bench and dorm corridor. It feels like home, like I am meant to be here. And honestly, I can think of few things in my life thus far that have brought me more joy than watching the spiritual growth in my friends on campus through my experience with this community of believers that I call family.
As a result, I was excited to be here this fall! To invest and be challenged and to challenge others. And then, I actually got here. It took only a matter of minutes to realize the world of difference between being a student living in the dorms, and being an alumni hanging out awkwardly on campus for the sole purpose of helping people grow in faith in Jesus (not super popular or well-understood at PSU!). I had no certain place to sleep at night for the bulk of the term ahead, and no certainty of what I was even supposed to be doing, other than reaching out to students… which suddenly seemed very vague, ambiguous, intangible… and way too big a task for puny little me. And all I could do was cry out to God in absolute misery.
I don't understand! I thought I felt Your call. I tried to answer it, and instead of seeing You work and use me, I am making a fool of myself and have no idea what good I am even doing! I feel completely frantic, useless, confused and trapped!
I stopped my whirlwind of desperate thoughts, trying to remember why I was here in the first place, why I chose to be here. From multiple places and multiple voices over the next few days, God was telling me to stop and seek Him. So clearly He spoke what I already knew was true: that unless I was taking time alone with my Savior and operating out of the overflow of His Spirit's filling, the dark voice inside was right and I truly didn't have anything to offer this campus or these students.
As God reminded me of His truth, His faithfulness, His call in my life, I realized that He was asking me not to pull back from the things that scared me, but to press in harder. He provided a place for me to sleep this week. He filled me with peace, ideas, and a renewed confidence that where He leads, I can step up and lead with Him. He provided me with encouragement from my fellow "visionaries" on this campus that made my heart dance!
And He began to do great things.
Our leaders team for PSU Intervarsity this year!
It would take hours (literally) to tell about all the little miracles and blessings and breakthrough I've seen in my life and on campus in the last two and a half days, so I will save stories for a later post 🙂 But I do want to share one thing specifically. This morning before the crack of dawn, I walked with a friend down the street to church, for a prayer gathering. We prayed for about an hour: for our city, for our hearts, for provision and awakening and new life. And then the pastor asked us to pray for PSU. The campus had already been so heavy on my heart that I was struggling to focus on the other requests through the prayer time. When he zoned in on that specifically, my eyes filled with unexpected tears. Tears of joy and of longing – it was a surreal moment, knowing that others shared my vision and that the entire room around me was praying for my heart's desire. The knowledge sunk deep into my soul and awoke emotions that entirely unanticipated.
I know that in three months I will be leaving this campus again, and that I will go with the peace that God has called me on this new adventure. I know that He will give me a heart for every nation and people I encounter. He has promised me that! Yet I praise Him that right now I am here, because right now there is nowhere on earth I would rather be.
Please, please pray with me for this broken campus and this broken town. I pray that Jesus stirs in our hearts the hope of revival. I pray that He consumes me and my community with this vision in such a way that the only option not available to us is to sit and do nothing! May Jesus awaken our souls to the invitation He is giving each one of us, and with that may He wipe away all our fears!!
