I sit alone at the dining room table, the fan blowing against my sticky body, music drifting down the stairs (a medley of my teammate singing in the shower along with her iPod blasting Jesus Culture full volume). Last night I got hit with intense stomach cramps and a headache that lasted into this afternoon. I’m pretty sure it was the Lord drawing me into His presence in the most gentle and gracious way by forcing me to stay home alone this morning. Now He's giving me the evening to rest and listen to Him as well.
I realize that this blog is way overdue. I sat down this evening to write an email to my parents and felt compelled to do this first.
Thailand. For me right now, the word encompasses delight, that “in love” feeling, along with anxiety, exhaustion, and the fear of switching over to “cruise control” as the end approaches.
We arrived in Asia at the end of August. Stepping outside the airport in Bangkok was like falling in love all over again – the thick humidity instantly embraced me and brought back a thousand sweet flashbacks of my last experience in Asia – four years ago in Hong Kong. We rode a luxury double-decker, air-conditioned bus through the night to Chiang Mai, and as I reclined in a seat that massaged my back, while being served refreshments and cuddling up in a thick blanket, it was hard to believe that this was reality. Let's just say, it's a big shift from Africa!
In Chiang Mai, we spent several days together as a squad for debrief. For me, the time was jam-packed with worship practice and other practical things. All the while, I was anxious. I knew that I was going to continue as team leader, but I also knew big changes were coming for our squad, and I had no idea who my new teammates would be. When I found out, my anxiety did not die – quite the opposite! My new team is a powerful group of six women, with persuasive voices, big personalities, strong convictions and non-conformist attitudes. They intimidated me, to say the least! During those few days (and even before I knew who my team would be), I found myself broken and wishing that I did not have to continue in this role as leader. All I wanted was for someone else to be strong for me. My heart craved someone to follow. Honestly, my desire was to be a little girl again in my daddy’s arms, no responsibility or cares in the world!
Our first week of ministry here at Remember Nhu was one of my most difficult weeks on the Race. I felt like demands were being placed on me from every side. My computer broke. My iPod broke. Our contacts had never hosted World Racers before so there was a lot of logistical stuff to figure out. One of my teammates had just stepped down from leading our squad, and it was highly daunting to me to now be leading her! I was trying to be a good leader and do what was best for the team, but there were so many things to figure out that I was suffocating. Meanwhile, I was in a brand new circle of women that I was supposed to be leading, but it was all I could do just to survive and I didn’t know how to take ownership of this team and get vision from the Lord for what He was doing in all this! I finally broke down and shared with them, amidst tears and defeat.
I had asked the Lord from day one of stepping into leadership to show me how to lead from His strength, not mine. As I looked back on that week, I realized the depths of His grace. He hit me so hard, so fast, with everything at once, that I could not go in. It was His mercy that did not allow me to stay in that place of struggling on in my own strength any longer. Rather than toying with me like a fish on the line, He cut everything away in one fell swoop… And in that moment, I had no choice but to let go and let Him take over!
I think that is where I am again tonight. I stayed home alone this morning while the rest of the group went to worship at the children’s home where we are doing ministry this month. As I lay in my bed for hours, worship music playing on my computer (which I got fixed a couple days ago – thank you Jesus!), I realized the depth of my longing for Him. I need you Jesus! I have been surrounded by community, day in and day out, for months now. Spending time alone today, it occurred to me that I could not even remember the last time I was completely alone. It’s probably been months. I have fallen in love with community, I depend on the incredible brothers and sisters around me, I find so much love and joy and satisfaction in our friendships and bonds. But it is not enough.
Nathan asked me a few days ago while we were working at the construction site, "If Jesus asked you to spend the rest of your life alone on a island with just Him, would you say yes?" It stopped me in my tracks. Part of my fear when I think about the Race ending is being alone. Waking up in the morning to find no one else in the room with me. Finding myself in moments where I need someone to hug me, to speak truth to me, to make me laugh, and no one is there. The Lord has been showing me how much I need to press in to my relationship with Him right now, because there will be a day when these people will not be around me. The vision He has put in my heart for this new team is that this would be an intimate circle, but even more importantly, that we would push each other to intimacy with Jesus. So that when we are not together, we would be secure, confident, peaceful, walking with our Lover and Lord each and every day for the rest of our lives.
I remember four years ago, after my mom’s accident, sitting alone in my car sobbing and feeling so alone and weak and just wanting strong arms to hold me. I’m in that place again. Begging Jesus to just let me feel Him. To be my Father, my Lover, my Everything. To provide the intimacy I crave. To assure me that no matter what happens, where I go, what I do, it is enough to know that He will be there with me.
This Race is amazing, but it will end. This season of my life will pass. These people will not always be standing beside me.
But He will. His part is to promise. My part is to believe.
Here's a few glimpses of Thailand… 🙂
Lunch at a Thai restaurant with my new teammates Britt and Rose!
Our first adventure ever as Team Unlocked – visiting a Buddhist temple in Chiang Mai! Left to right: Brittany, Missy, Rose, Hosanna, me, and Katie.
Riding "Ernie the elephant" with Katie W – one of my favorite days ever!
On the job, moving a pile of bricks at the construction site for the new children's home!
