I sit cross-legged on the dusty tile floor, back throbbing, brain weary and stomach knotted. We are coming to the end of our first 24-hour fast as a team. It’s been a memorable day, made complete by painting projects and digging up rocks in the yard, asking hard questions, girl time with all 33 of us in the squad, and recognizing weakness in ourselves brought out by hunger and physical exhaustion. Yet as my eyes move around the circle, landing on each of my teammates in turn, I see the resilience and peace beneath their tired smiles. We excitedly share V8 juice and laugh at ourselves, then dive into our usual nightly routine of discussion, feedback and prayer.
This is my life. It’s not always glamorous. In fact, it usually isn’t. At times I forget I’m in Honduras, or how far I am from home, or that this is one of the most dangerous countries in the world. And here I am, living what feels like a fairly normal day-to-day existence! Granted, we’re camping out in our tents this month, sharing one 3-stall, 2-shower bathroom between 41 men and women (our entire squad), and sitting on the dusty floor to eat our meals. In addition, we are living with a handful of teenage boys who used to spend all their time getting high on paint thinner and had notorious reputations in their community, Los Pinos, just a few months ago or less… Yep, this is my life! 🙂
Some of our tents with Tony's house in the background (mine is the green and orange one, third from the left 🙂
PHOTO BY ROSE HUBER
Tony, our ministry contact, is a white guy in his forties who has been here for over four years now and plans to be here for another 40 (i.e. the rest of his life!). He is simple, transparent, and full of vision and love. His primary ministry, along with his beautiful wife Nidia, is to the boys who live here on the property with him, all of whom have come out of lives of poverty, addiction, and abuse. Now these same young men are attending school, discovering their passions and learning about the love of Jesus firsthand as they are discipled and poured into here at Zion’s Gate Ministries.
As awesome as this ministry is, and much as I admire Tony and the work he is doing here, this month has been a dry season for me from which I am just now beginning to emerge. It is humbling to walk through the desert and admit that I am weak, just as it is humbling to give up food for the day and have no energy to attack the rocky soil that is perpetually waiting for us to refine it. It is humbling to wonder where my passion is and to feel helpless to reclaim it.
It is humbling to come honestly before God and admit that I wish I could be good enough, strong enough, and loving enough in my own strength, and I’m frustrated that I’m not. It is humbling to admit that all I am is what He has made me and given me, yet I keep trying to be all that in my own strength. Without Him I am formless clay, and yet by His hand I am a beautiful work of art formed by the Master Craftsman. I can’t take credit for the beautiful and artistic merit of that product – it’s all Him! Yet I keep on trying to find ways to assert my value and worth separate from Him, and keep rediscovering that dead-end road.
The girls! Covered in dirt and sweat after a hard day's work 🙂
That is what this month has done for me, even with its moments of confusion, sadness, and frustration. It has brought me back to the reality that He has chosen me and made me who I am. I cannot conjure up love and passion and a heart to serve from within myself – I must come yet again and fall on my face before Him, acknowledging my weakness. He brought me to Ephesians 1 a couple mornings ago, and it struck me so hard that I am blessed because I am united with Christ, not because Jill Schulenberg is a big deal and has unique and rare gifts to bring to the table. My life is not my own, it is all for His glory! I know we say these things all the time but it is painful when I look at my heart and realize that I haven’t been living that way. My top priority oftentimes is my glory, not His. My desire to look good and feel good about myself can so easily outweigh my desperate hunger for Him.
Fasting brings me back to that place of humility before Him. As my team prayed together this morning, God reminded me of Isaiah 40 and I was awed in His presence at the reality of His power. “Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding” (Isaiah 40:28 NLT).
Yet again I am in the place of acknowledging that His strength is made perfect in weakness! How grateful I am for that, considering that I sure have a lot of weakness to offer and not much strength. He still has that twinkle in His eye when I would expect irritation or impatience. To my amazement, His attitude is joy at the discoveries I am making rather than frustration with how long it is taking me and how many times He has to teach me the same lessons.
In less than a week we leave Central America, layover in JFK for the day and then fly to Romania! Talk about drastic change and new opportunities for discovery, growth, and living as the hands and feet, but more importantly as a daughter, of Christ. I have the excited feeling of a kid on Christmas Eve, like I am about to be given a fresh start. Ya think maybe my Daddy has some cool stuff in store for us in this next season? That maybe pruning and the desert season precedes fruit and the downpour? I’ve got a good feeling…
